Pool of blood
One of the things I like to do in my spare time is play underwater hockey, which despite sounding incredibly fruity, is actually one of the more violent "non-contact" sports there is. This is partly because when you're underwater and low on air with your vision restricted by a mask, it can be hard to see exactly what you're kicking off to get back to the surface, and it often ends up being somebody's face. The other part is due to the fact that the refs can also see bugger all, and with underwater hockey players being the pack of amoral psychopaths that we are, we take full advantage of this to inflict vast amounts of pain on the other team.

Anyway, one night I was playing, and it fell to me to attempt to stop an opposition player from scoring. I positioned myself between him and the goal tray, and prepared to tackle him for the puck. Trying to score regardless, he flicked the puck (a 1.5kg piece of lead covered in rubber) at the goal. Unluckily for him, I heroically intercepted it with my face. Play went on, although I noticed that I was getting a few funny looks from people as I swam around.

At half time, one of my teammates mentioned to me that there was a bit of blood in the nosepiece of my mask, and that maybe I should get out of the pool. I hopped out onto the side, and removed my mask. This was when I discovered that rather than my nose having bled a little bit, it had actually been bleeding profusely for the last five minutes. Since my mask was blocking any route of escape, the blood had been backing up in my sinuses, and when I removed my mask it came out like Niagara Falls, partially filling the mask and spraying over me and the side of the pool.

Ignoring the looks of horror, I wandered off to the changerooms to rinse out my mask, leaving a trail of gore. I cleaned myself up a bit, stuffed some toilet paper up both nostrils, put my mask back on and jumped back in to finish the game. As I was leaving the aquatic centre, I noticed a lifeguard hosing my blood off the tiles into the pool. I though this was a bit odd, given paranoia over bloodborne diseases, but apparently this is their standard protocol for dealing with blood spills, as the chlorine kills anything that's likely to be in the blood.

Length - 50m, your standard Olympic-sized swimming pool..
(oball needs Satan more than he needs me, Mon 11 Aug 2008, 3:59, Reply)