Not my bird, but her bonkers mum
Some years ago I used to go out with a girl who's Mum was a solicitor, and all respect due, she was a pretty good one, despite the obvious stressful nature of the job. However, she seemed to think that her success meant she could do whatever the fuck she wanted, and this meant a whole range of things :

- Referring to her only child, my ex, as "it" (I kid you not)

- Screaming at us until she went purple because we changed the fucking channel once without asking

- Demanding that my ex spent all her weekends at home so that she could help with the jobs, shopping etc. She seemed to think that she was being gracious by letting me be there at the same time - this was my only way of seeing my bird at the weekend!

Things really came to a head on my ex's 18th tho. We were having a few glasses of champagne before the taxi came to take us to a swanky restaurant and, surprise surprise, Mrs SolicitorCrazyBitch got a wee bit squiffy. When the taxi arrived, she screamed at him so many times (he was going the wrong way, he was driving too slowly, he was driving too fast) that the taxi driver (clearly irate with the bitch) goes "Right, I'm taking you to the fucking police station!"

She then demands that I (in the passenger seat) grab his ID card so she can complain on the phone to the taxi firm. I tell her to get fucked, so she grabs it herself and the taxi driver (who, I'll be honest, I'm beginning to side with) ALMOST punches her in her ugly fat fucking face.... but then restrains himself.

I get out and walk to the restaurant, only for my ex to tell me to apologise to her mentalist mother.

We didn't last that much longer, me and my ex, funnily enough. She idolised her mother, and started to show traits of lunacy.

That, and she had small tits, and was a Man United fan. Fucking hell.
(Hammer Time, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 17:49, Reply)