Don't read all of it
you'll be bogged down in Leviticus or Numbers or some shit like that. After Exodus skip all the way to Joshua, where it actually becomes a proper story again. Don't miss Ecclesiastes or the Song of Solomon, which are actually both awesome.
(leviticus no longer likes the cut of your gib on, Fri 6 Jan 2012, 10:44, 2 replies)

I'd like to get bogged down in Leviticus.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 6 Jan 2012, 11:27, closed)

That's probably some kind of abomination
Like homosexuality and eating shellfish (funny how those Southern Baptists get to tuck into a bowl of jambalaya or clam chowder after a hard day's homophobia, but since when did religion ever pay attention actual religious texts?)
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Fri 6 Jan 2012, 12:14, closed)

The new covenent with God described in the Book of Acts
means that Christians don't have to follow all the crazy Leviticus rules. This is why Southern Baptists get to eat shellfish, but are wrong to say that the Bible makes homosexuality a sin.
(leviticus no longer likes the cut of your gib on, Fri 6 Jan 2012, 12:50, closed)

I'd like to eat a Southern Baptist's shellfish.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 6 Jan 2012, 14:10, closed)

Can you just direct me to the dirty bits
so I can get on with wanking? I don't have the patience to wade through the dull sections, and there do seem to be many of those.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Fri 6 Jan 2012, 13:24, closed)

Song of Solomon (AKA Song of Songs)
is a very passionate, very overtly sexual love poem. Biblical scholars like to pretend it's about love of God or some such bullshit, but to anyone who's ever actually had sex, it's obvious what it's about.

Not much wanking material though, unless "Your navel is like a round goblet Which never lacks mixed wine; Your belly is like a heap of wheat Fenced about with lilies" does it for you, or "This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes. I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples"
(leviticus no longer likes the cut of your gib on, Fri 6 Jan 2012, 14:21, closed)

No that's good thanks, that does it for me
I'm all for navels and heaps of wheat. I've come over all funny, I'm off for a lie down.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Fri 6 Jan 2012, 14:48, closed)

To be honest
I'd love any woman whose belly button was always full of wine.
(leviticus no longer likes the cut of your gib on, Fri 6 Jan 2012, 14:52, closed)

Oh yes.
I've never been keen on the sticky out kind of navel and this convinces me that my preferences are correct.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Fri 6 Jan 2012, 15:00, closed)

Can you explain...

...My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.

No criticism implied or intended, just can't quite work it out.

Really liked it, btw.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Sat 7 Jan 2012, 2:42, closed)

Your guess is as good as anyone's
I've no idea how it translates from the Hebrew, and I'm no bible scholar. For what it's worth, my opinion is that this bowel movement has nothing to do with the modern English euphamism, and that 'the hand on the whole of the door' is more likely to be a literal description than a metaphorical one. So I reckon the line means somthing simple like "my heart stirred when he entered my room".

I'm glad you liked it. I'm not particularly fussed about the religious implications or the translation history, but think it's one of the best love poems in the English language. You should listen to Bob Dylan's song the Changing of the Guards, which is a clever re-working of the imagery from the Song of Solomon.
(leviticus no longer likes the cut of your gib on, Mon 9 Jan 2012, 9:53, closed)

Ezekiel 23 compares two cities to prostitutes and includes the line: "There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses."
The sauciness stops there though, after that it's just God being vengeful and killing them etc.
(MC Toffeehammer, Sat 7 Jan 2012, 14:52, closed)