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This is a question Breakin' The Law

'I'd taken some mushrooms in a pub,' writes Allen Smithee, 'and things had got a bit odd. People turning into goblins, barstools into toadstools etc. I wandered off from my friends and found myself in a carpark. I noticed a huge liquorice allsort driving towards me and Bertie Basset got out. I kinda realised that Bertie was a policeman and my brain went into paranoid fast forward. I decided that I must be being arrested and said, "I'll just get in the back of your car, Officer" Bertie looked at me with disgust, "Not bleeding likely sunshine. Just piss off home ok?"'

(, Wed 7 Jan 2004, 20:34)
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Never been arrested but....
I was the only driver in my circle of, well let’s just call them friends and leave it at that and so I was duly appointed the designated driver for all eternity. No alcohol at all for me but all the soft drinks I could down. Woo the excitement of nights out for me.

So picture the scene. 3am, Saturday night, clapped out Nisan Micra full of lads singing badly to the long wave radio as I try desperately to not stall the seriously overworked motor.

Unsurprisingly I was pulled over and as I opened my mouth to talk to the policeman my tongue chose that exact moment to tie itself in a knot.

“Can I help you Ossleffer?” I slurred.

They ask my ‘friends’ if I’ve been drinking and they all found it really amusing to say that they had been buying me drinks all night.

So out of the car breath test, completely clear of course but that’s not good enough. I must have been drinking because four eyewitnesses have just staggered forward to testify and in one case throw up a kebab on my window. I had to take the test again in another machine before they would be satisfied. So now it’s time for random searches along the lines off.

“What’s in the boot?”

Now I was dreading this because in the boot of my car was two swords an axe and a flintlock rifle. All from my role playing kit, yes I run around in woods hitting people with a latex covered weapon that would normally be enough to get me arrested I’m sure, so it’s made of foam or in the case of the rifle balsa wood and plastic. Now believe me when I say there is nothing that will relax a police man when you have to tell him there is a cache of weapons in your car, even if you start it by saying “They are all props”

Finally I got let go but sadly from all the stress I completely forgot that all my friends were sitting along side the road and not in the car when I drove off.

What a pity.
(, Wed 7 Jan 2004, 21:42, Reply)

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