A few years back
I was sat with a mate in my living room waiting for the then Mrs. to get her shit together prior to going out for an evening of fun, frivolity and alcohol abuse round Camden Town.

This mate of mine was someone I’d met from work, a lad named Matt who – dispite being a bit of a wine bar poncer was pretty much ok – we’re supping at a couple of cans of warm-up beer when the Mrs walks in on the look out for earings, a bracelet, or some other weird feminine accompliment.

Matt and I stop dead in our tracks, beer cans held part way to our lips.

As the Mrs. walked into the room she was just pulling her top down over her fully exposed fleshy funbags. Just a glimpse of her googly-eyed, dark-nippled, nubile jubblies. It was like a subliminal cut in a film, and I think both Matt and I felt the sudden urge to go out and buy a pair of breasts after seeing it, I mean them.

Matt looked at me. I looked at Matt. Then the Mrs, seeing our look of complete and utter bemusement, pipes up: “Oh, don’t mind those.” She collects her tat and fucks off back to the bathroom to finish putting her face together.

Matt and I drank our beer in silence, feeling uncomfortable. Then we go out.

Later after a few drinkies the Mrs turns to me while Matt’s at the bar and says: “Nice fella, that Matt.” I wondered where the fuck this was leading. Did she want to fuck him? Did she want to watch me fuck him? Did my Mrs. fancy a spot of DP after her bacardi breezers, JD and cokes, and kebab on the way home? She follows this up with: “He should’ve brought his boyfriend out too.”

“Boyfriend?” I’m confused as hell now.

“Yeah – I’d love to meet him.”

“Errr, Matt’s straight.”

The Mrs. face falls. “YOU TOLD ME HE WAS GAY!!!”

I think about this for a good long while, then something sparks in the deepest recesses of my booze-addled brain. I say: “That’s a different Matt.”

And this was followed by quite an uncomfortable evening for the three of us.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 11 May 2010, 15:55, 7 replies)

Hahahahhaahahaahahaha

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 11 May 2010, 15:57, closed)

Very good!
Keep 'em coming!
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Tue 11 May 2010, 16:04, closed)

Watch out Spanky
Someone will be along in a minute accusing you of either a) making this all up or b) being a paedo as your lady was quite obviously underage.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 11 May 2010, 16:12, closed)

I dunno
this one has the ring of truth about it and a reduced number of similes and metaphors.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 11 May 2010, 17:15, closed)

My First
ever "Click" - congratulations on this enviable achievement ;)
(SKJack, Tue 11 May 2010, 17:31, closed)

classic as ever

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 11 May 2010, 18:17, closed)

Haha!
Brilliant.
( SigmaX0 Dear Die Hard. You rock!, Wed 12 May 2010, 10:09, closed)