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This is a question Brits Abroad

Union jack shorts, bulldog t-shirts, bars named after soap operas, hen parties in Malaga. Tell us about your encounters with the worst (or best) of our fair country's travelers around the world. Alternatively, tell us about your own doomed quest to find a decent cup of tea in Moscow.

(, Thu 24 Apr 2014, 13:01)
Pages: Popular, 4, 3, 2, 1

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Real Wives of Playas de las Americas.
Tenerife is a nice place to holiday. Fantastic landscapes (a goddam volcano for crap's sake), tropical wildlife, cheap booze, local colour and culture and if you go out of season, no hordes of scumbags from Peckham ordering 'Oi Pedro Facking Four Beers Here Now' of the local bar staff and refusing to tip.

The North isn't so touristy but our first go out there was late October in the South and there it was your quintessential lairy lads' paradise, a mile-long street of pubs/clubs/taakeaways (Los Christianos)which was thankfully ghost town like at that time of year. Walking on around the seafront Los Christanos merges into Playas de Las Americas, the very worst example of 'All Day Breakfasts/Free Shot per customer/Premiere League football on in every corner' kind of venues. Step back from the seafront and you get the hotel/apartment block zone, intersperced with some shiny shopping centres full of big label name shop fronts (Chanel, Versace, Louis Vuitton etc) and it is here you will find the Greater Leathered Middle-aged Expat Woman in her natural habitat.

Their mottled tan hide gathers in folds and wrinkles so as to better flap in the wind, plumage a uniform brassy bottle blonde and vivid colour streaks adorn their face as of someone shot in the face with a makeup bazooka. Large gold adornments around the neck, wrist and fingers show off their low natural tolerance for restraint or subtlety and their cry is that of a screeching baboon which some people have said sounds like human laughter. Their main diet consists of gin and cigarettes which they consume noisily in packs in open bar fronts next to their shopping area. Although fully capable of walking under their own power, these lazy wretches instead choose to use mobility scooters to transport themselves back to their apartment as the 200ft walk would require something akin to expending energy. This is apparently a trait evolved to avoid having to take a shower when they get home. See here closely, one of the flock doesn't have a mobility scooter, and so is bullied by the others into getting one despite having no need of it.

Something may have startled the flock as they quickly stub out their cigarettes and shoot off on their scooters, hooting and cackling in a line like some mahogany chain of convoy truck drivers, ignoring traffic instructions and depositing another layer of cholesterol inside their aortas.
(, Thu 1 May 2014, 8:38, 4 replies)
spare us your wank fantasies

(, Thu 1 May 2014, 8:53, closed)

^ Don't listen to him ^

Tell me more about the leathery skin!



Fuck it. Too late....forget it.
(, Thu 1 May 2014, 9:39, closed)
Mobility Scooter
Otherwise known as a Benidorm Limo
(, Thu 1 May 2014, 11:22, closed)

Ha ha
(, Thu 1 May 2014, 13:38, closed)

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