David The Wimp
So for those of you who don't know, my real name is Dave. Back when I was a young 'un though, I was a David. By nature I'm not normally a violent type, to be honest I'm far more likely to be the victim than the bully. But this story does, alas, involve me terrorising the living crap out of one small kid.

Back in primary school my best friend in the whole world was a guy called Martin. Martin was, shall we say, quite an astonishingly bad influence on me. He convinced me it was a good idea to clog all the sinks in the toilets with bogroll and flood the place. On Martin's say-so we tried to pop the water pipe filling up the swimming pool by stabbing it with rose thorns. We tried to set fire to an ants nest with a lighter we found but we could only do one ant at a time.

But this story concerns the new kid. One day at school, a new kid arrived in the year below us. He was incredibly shy and didn't seem to have many friends, and at lunch time he'd sit in the corner of the playground by himself, looking on at the other children with a look that cried "I wish that was me".

This went on for two weeks until one day Martin suggested to me that we should go and talk to him. I agreed and over we went.
Strolling up to the guy, Martin said "Are you playing with anyone?"
The boy shook his head.
"Would you like to play with us? What's your name?"
"David"
"David? That can't be right. HE'S called David" Martin said, and gestured towards me.
"I'm another David"
"Well that's gonna get really confusing, so we'll call you David The Wimp. The game we're playin's called 'monster'. Me and David are the monsters, and you're the Wimp. You've got five seconds before we start chasing you. GO!"
David The Wimp had a brief look of confusion, then horror, then ran off as fast as he could, his little mittens flapping in the breeze as they dangled from their woollen strings attached to his coat. We spent the rest of lunch chasing this poor kid around the playground, making roaring noises and gnashing our teeth. The kid was terrified and it only exacerbated his nickname in Martin's mind.

This story isn't a one-off. We did this every lunchtime for about a month until the poor sod moved schools again. Months later, "today's birthdays" were being read out in assembly as they always were in my school, when the name 'David Williams' was read out among the names. The headmistress quickly corrected herself, saying "oh sorry, he's left now" at which point Martin said (in quite a loud voice)
"Ha ha that was David The Wimp! What a wimp!"

David The Wimp, if you're reading this, I'm really sorry for making the two months at our school quite hellish.
(The Oscillating Gibbon is eating curried squid, Thu 14 May 2009, 19:07, Reply)