"BUS"ting for a pee, Comrades 4eva, Ignorant Proles, Half-Remembered Lies

The drunk Spainard who sat at the top deck front window seat, did a piss which leaked onto the driver's head. Bus stops. Driver bounds up the stairs and had to be restrained by passengers, who also told the Spainard to get off the bus, or the driver would be let loose. Spainard got off the bus, and was so drunk, he threw a traffic cone at a different bus driving past, causing the bus to swerve all over the shop (the shop being Bishopsgate outside Liverpool St station).

Sitting at the back of a nightbus, coming back from a club with a bunch of friends. In between trying to think of another song to do in a Cockney/Bill Bailey style, I accidentally make eye contact with a jovial loner clutching a half empty vodka bottle. Jovial loner treats the passing glance as if it were a personal invitation to sit with us and be our new friend. After several polite refusals of a swig, I hint to my friend/housemate that "THIS IS OUR STOP" (actually a couple of stops before where we lived, but I didn't want friendly freak man to know that). "Oh this is my stop too. Do you want to come round to my house and smoke some grass?" Cue another 30mins of me and housemate walking around Stockwell in the cold trying to shake freaky loner man.

Catching another nightbus home from a club (in Clerkenwell). A drunk, but well spoken man gets onto the bus and states that he doesn't have any money, but he should be allowed to ride the bus for free (I think he talked about human rights or somesuch). The bus driver was having none of it, and said loudly so that all could hear: "Until you pay, or you get off, this bus ain't going nowhere." No-one was going to pay for him, and he just stood next to the drivers cabin doing his best to rationally convince the driver to let him have a free ride. After about 2-3 mins, I decided to join in the discussion. A few minutes later he got off the bus due to my devastating intellect, and rock solid argument based on utilitarianism. As the bus resumed its journey, I got exactly zero thanks for my efforts from the driver and passengers. Fucking ignorant proles.

And here's one nicked from my friend's blog, but since it stars me, it isn't plagiarism:
The bus ride home was the worse bit. Theremin decided to sit opposite two fine boho gurls and do "sexy" faces at them when they (quite understandably) fled and he then grabbed hold of me and started bellowing, "LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE .... YOU'VE SCARED THEM OFF! .... WITH YOUR PASTY GOLLUM FACE ...." He then paused and noticed a large middle aged woman get on the bus and take the seats that the boho girls were sitting on and spat out, "Oh! great now we're left with .... Rosanne Barr". The look on that poor woman's face is something i'll never forget.
But it gets worse....
Theremin then fell in to a dark & deep sleep - his body motionless & silent punctuated only by the occasional twitch soundtracked by the spoken sigh of the names of the girls he had died a thousand times inside for. The bus then terminated at London Bridge but Theremin wouldn't wake up. Everyone got off the bus and the driver turned the lights off. The bus driver then started yelling, "Oi! can you wake your boyfiend up! bus teminates here dont'cha know". So i punched Theremin as hard as my indie weakling Kermit arms could - and he slowly came round only to mutter, "Croydon? ....no, no, no I'm not staying in Croydon. why are we in Croydon?". The bus driver was not amused, "get your bloody mate off my bus!", he hollered. So i dragged a protesting Theremin off of the bus where he whinged, "the bus isn't supposed to take us to Croydon". I had to literally drag him to the London Bridge tube sign to make him believe that he was still in London.

I'm pretty sure some of that was made up. But I was so drunk, I have no memory of said events, so I can't say for sure...
(theremin put the lotion in the basket on, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 10:35, Reply)