How to exceed your vehicle's top speed
1. Get an old 850 Mini (this was the early 80's)
2. Put your foot flat down to get up the hill
3. Take foot off at the top, because it's steep going down and there's a roundabout at the bottom. Don't want to be going too fast, do we?
4. Wonder why you're not slowing down.
5. Try the brakes which don't slow you much, just create a horrible squealing noise.
6. Realise the throttle's on full, so you take it out of gear.
7. Put it back in gear quickly as the piston's thump away at the bonnet, doing 7000rpm and making a sound like someone shouting "BOLLOCKS BOLLOCKS BOLLOCKS" in your ear.
8. Decide not to turn the ignition off, as you're approaching a small roundabout, doing over a ton, and don't want the steering lock to come on.
9. Negotiate roundabout on 2 wheels and *just* make it to the other side.
10. Turn engine off. Whimper. Change underpants.
11. Drive home by changing throttle cable (that had frayed and stuck "on" in the sleeve) with choke cable.
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Thu 22 Apr 2010, 13:51, 7 replies)

I like step 10
*Click*
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Thu 22 Apr 2010, 13:54, closed)

The trouble with those horrible vinyl seats...
Fear-induced rectal explosions are easy to wipe off, but you don't half slip around a bit on the bends.
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Thu 22 Apr 2010, 14:19, closed)

Similarly....
In an old girlfriend's brown Mini (not a euphemism), we casually approached a large roundabout on the Spalding bypass when she suddenly stopped nagging me about something and instead began to sweat profusely, muttering a string of words that really wouldn't have made her grandmother proud.

I questioned her calmly as to the source of her concerned and the devil's own wife screamed back that "the cunting car won't slow down you stupid fucking knobber".

Fortunately the car was shittier than the shittiest shit ever shitted, whereas the handbrake was fresh and eager to arrest any unwanted momentum, meaning we skidded to a sweaty, sweary stop only a few feet short of the unpleasantly busy roundabout.

Apparently I was still a stupid cuntbag and should at least have warned her I was going to try the handbrake, but I'll take that over the other painful possibility.
( Moey, Thu 22 Apr 2010, 14:11, closed)

If only the handbrake had been an option for me!
I'm not sure any of the brakes on my first Mini would have held much resistance to a wet fart, let alone when it was doing near 100.
The scariest 10 seconds of my life.
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Thu 22 Apr 2010, 14:17, closed)

Not sure my 850 could get to 100!
That is all
( Another_tragic_case wished he hadn't eaten all the cake, Thu 22 Apr 2010, 14:24, closed)

Given a sufficently steep hill...
And a trailing wind, I should think you'd manage it.
Once.
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Thu 22 Apr 2010, 15:14, closed)

We were most definitely
not driving at 100 mph. I very much doubt we'd reached even half that to be honest; it really was a very rubbish collection of parts.
( Moey, Thu 22 Apr 2010, 14:39, closed)