Driving test OF DOOM
All the best drivers failed their driving test at least once. This makes me, then, the best driver in the whole, wide world.

My difficulties with driving were: starting, stopping, going up hills, going down hills, going round corners, driving in a straight line, driving backwards and trying not to stare at my instructor's tits. Excuse: I was seventeen.

The test. The emergency stop:

"Quick! There's a child in the road!" the examiner shouted.

Knowing my Spike Milligan and being a wise-ass, I replied "No there isn't" and drove on.

"No, no, no. Let me explain. When I hit my clipboard against the dashboard, I want you to assume there is a child in the road and make an emergency stop."

"Riiiiight."

My right foot slammed down on the brake.

At least I thought it was the brake.

"BAAAAAAARRRRRN!" went the Mini Metro as it hurtled towards a bus queue, their wizened old faces contorted with the kind of fear they hadn't experienced since their wedding night.

I missed.

I failed.

In fact, I had already failed for a number of reasons.

In particular, shouting "get your fucking truck out of the fucking road, you fucking fucker!" to a lorry driver who had jack-knifed in the centre of Henley, as I allowed the Mini Metro to roll back slowly under the front axle of a dust cart.

Also: Going the wrong way round the Henley one-way system to avoid said dust cart and jack-knifed lorry.

Also also: Beeping and waving at a mate, whilst shouting "Oi oi Marty you wankaaaaah!" out of the window.

Things, I admit, could have gone better.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 22 Apr 2010, 17:28, 2 replies)

Marvellous
Ta for that :)
(Good old boy just like yer grandma!, Sat 24 Apr 2010, 2:16, closed)

LOVE IT
extra clicks for Spike Milligan esque humor!
(bumless The man with the hole in the middle, Sun 25 Apr 2010, 0:25, closed)