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"Here in my car", said 80s pop hero Gary Numan, "I feel safest of all". He obviously never shared the same stretch of road as me, then. Automotive tales of mirth and woe, please.

(, Thu 22 Apr 2010, 12:34)
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Near death experience + no wires levitation
Throughout the 1990s, Gord was my friend. You may in fact be aware of him if you remember the minor meme that was this site: www.actsofgord.com/ . This story is from before the store.

Gord and I were driving around visiting people, as you do, on a Saturday night. We were in Gord's red Mazda pickup, a stickshift, likely with crappy techno playing on his medium-range deck. We knew we weren't cool, but we were still enjoying ourselves.

While at someone or other's house, they mentioned they were on their way out to a party, and could we give them a ride? Sure we could, if she didn't mind squeezing between us in the cab. She didn't, and off we went.

Got to the party, Gord and I didn't really know anybody there and it sort of felt that it had passed the really fun part and was in the mellow/stunned phase that happens when brains are having trouble sparking through the neuropeptide haze. Gord and I decided to go, but then one of us got a page.

Yes, both of us had pagers. Yes, we wore them hooked to pockets. Yes, we thought this made us flash.

Another friend, another party, could they get a ride out? Sure, why not. Off we went.

Found the place, and picked up Kevin and Jeff. Jeff (very mellow when drunk, smiles with his eyes half-closed when toasted) got in the cab and straddled the gear shift. He did in fact take it in the nuts every time Gord hit second or fourth. Kevin (more aggressive drunk) got in the bed and lay down flat. Off we went.

So. Gord is a dangerously bit of a reckless driver at the best of times, but blessed with the kind of luck that makes you hate statistics. Partly to amuse himself and us, and partly to put a bit of a scare into Kev, Gord floored it and blew through some stop signs (residential late at night, so easy to see other traffic/people) and took corners faster than most people feel comfortable with. Then we got to Sexsmith road.

This is a long fairly straight stretch of road going down an incline with a disused railway crossing it. Gord accelerated it as much as possible, mostly to make the engine roar and freak Kevin out. Basic fun. Then we hit the tracks. What Gord hadn't really thought of was that the tracks were a level blip in an otherwise descending trajectory. We hit at full speed and launched into the air.

You have a lot of time to reflect on things when you're gracefully airborne in a light truck. How smooth the ride has suddenly become, the beautiful clarity of synthesizer notes against a drum machine, the sound that isn't quite a scream coming from low in the throat of your two companions. I also noticed, as the gravity loosened our tether that either the road bent just a touch after the tracks, or we'd picked up a bit of a sideways vector during launch.

In the midst of all of this, something caught my eye through the back window. Keven (still horizontal) had floated up to nearly the top of the glass and was gripping (I think) the rubber seal around it. I was pretty sure he was dead. I didn't have high hopes for the rest of us, come to that.

We landed entirely on the road, albeit just at the edge. Bounced and swayed. Kevin took the bedliner (ribbed plastic) in the face at least once. Gord brought the truck to a stop and as soon as our legs were able to support us and we'd checked for dryness, we were out the door and looking at Kev.


Drunken twit.
(, Mon 26 Apr 2010, 16:54, 4 replies)
Is Gord still in South Korea?
(, Mon 26 Apr 2010, 21:14, closed)
No, he went back to the Okanagan
to open an empire of PC gaming rooms called PC-Bang. Kelowna is where he resides now - about forty minutes north of Penticton, where the store was. He's got a site up that I'll post when I'm not writing this on my phone.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 9:04, closed)
Here you go

That's the site of his current and ongoing endeavour. There won't be much in the way of humour to it though, as a) people pay to zone out in front of screens and b) it was thought that he'd generated enough recognition with Acts of Gord that people may come and start things just to be written about.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 18:49, closed)
Gord is a legend
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 11:16, closed)

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