Birthdays.
I've never been a big fan of them. Marking the day you got pushed or pulled out of your mums vagina, nevermind the getting cut out of her body in a mad rush designed to save both you and her. Whoop-de-fucking-doo.
The birthdays I've celebrated -

7. My mum bought me a Barbie and an Action Man with his Helicopter.

She was confused when I superglued some under-carpet fibres onto Barbie's snatch. I was actually giving Action Man a real lady to play with rather than some frigid, plastic ice-bitch with no vagina. Either that or clearly my mum didn't keep her lady garden trimmed.

13. My mum threw me a party. Loads of friends and classmates. A rocketship cake. My mate Jeremy told me that he liked my amour de jour - Buffy . What a cunt!
Buffy eventually snogged me. Days later she'd snogged him. Fucking bitch.

18. Went to a holiday house with the then girlfriend. She broke up with me on the night & tried to commit suicide by overdosing on paracetamol. IPECAC is a bitch. Srsly, Panadol?

21. Me and one of my best friends sat on the edge of the river near my flat, drank a six-pack and contemplated the universe with a fucking massive spliff.

25. Girlfriend of the time organised a surprise party (since she knew I hated b'days). Got to her place after work. Mumbled something about how fucked my day was and crashed on her bed cranking some Frontline Assembly as I defragged from work. After a while gf came and asked me if I wanted a drink. Coaxing me out of her room I got the "SURPRISE" from all of our collected friends, acquaintances and sundry. Within 5 min. I'd had 2 lines of speed, several spliffs, a couple of trips and an E thrust upon me (90's dude!). We played naked drug twister later that night (they'd stapled some colored plates to a square of old carpet) and I remember a magical walk through the cemetery they lived across the road from with my best friend. Got to take my housemate to her dialysis the following morning - both of us wired to the fucking hilt.

33. The missus and kids went out a-visiting. I was left at home to wank and drink myself silly. My mum rang. She was disappointed that she wouldn't be seeing me on my b'day as it would be the first b'day that she hadn't spent with me or seen me at least. I told her I couldn't be fucked going to her place and to leave me be. Less than 11 months later the cancer in her body and brain had killed her. Oh well.

41. (Last year) Had a few people turn up on our doorstep. I asked them what they wanted. When they said it was about my birthday I told them I was non-practising and they could all go home.
(spl00sh!, Sat 27 Sep 2014, 8:46, 6 replies)

fuck off Fairholme, you dull old cunt
your mum spent the rest of her life wishing they'd let you both die
(sock puppet 94980 your personal details here, Sat 27 Sep 2014, 8:52, closed)

Either this is a top ten of ridiculous drugs bore stories from Badger's archive
Or you're a fucking dreary idiot.
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Sat 27 Sep 2014, 9:21, closed)

Column A, column B.

(spl00sh!, Sat 27 Sep 2014, 9:24, closed)

Fair enough.

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Sat 27 Sep 2014, 9:25, closed)

You mean there are real people called Buffy?
What awful parents.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 10:07, closed)

Also - suicide by paracetamol is pretty tragic.
If you do manage to overdoes on it, you'll die a slowly as it will kill your liver, with the result of you poisoning yourself to death over the course of 2 to 4 days.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 10:11, closed)