Sussed! Midgets! Hummers! Tapas!
Robert Earnshaw; He's now a Forest player (up the Reds!), but he used to play for the local team near me, Norwich City.

I was sitting outside a tapas bar, watching the post office crowd go by and enjoying the sunshine. The bonus, of course, was that it was summer and there are a lot of sexy office girls in skimpy outfits wandering past. I sipped at a beer, chatted to my mate and generally felt pretty content.

That all changed when a Hummer flew into a disabled parking space opposite, screeched to a halt, spinners flying, and a little hip-hop twat in shit jeans and a spirit-level flat baseball cap balanced precariously on his cashew-nut like head. I took an instant dislike to him, but didn't realise who it was until it was pointed out to me. Once I was told, my curse of action became clear. I had to make him look like a prick in front of bright orange bird and the assorted public. As is often the way, the idea was good, but the planning (owing to booze) was a little less than perfect.

I lowered my trousers to cock level, untucked my shirt and threw my best hip-hop attitude; gangsta hands, the lot. Bredren, I was da bomb, innit. No bloodclat little fool called Robert was gonna act da man around me, you get it? You see why my plan was flawed from the start, no doubt.

I got some paper, scribbled a vague note about trying not to be such a useless wanker in front of goal this season and promising to park more responsibly, folded it in half to obscure the message and walked inside to get him to sign the bottom. I was then going to scan it and send it to everywhere I could think of (including b3ta, I guess).

Thus equipped, I strutted in, and in a pseudo-Jamaican/Hackney accent I introduced myself;

"Yo, homie. You gonna sign this for me then?"

Earnshaw quickly picked up on my hostility and mockery. He gestured towards my hand, I passed him the paper. He opened it, read it, said I was a sucker.

"Fuck off, you dickhead" he said, finally.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 8 Oct 2009, 15:43, 4 replies)

Duly clicked...

I was so close to posting this week...right up til the QotW came out in fact. I have already spaffed every single celebrity story I know onto these pages, and as I don't do reposts I@ll sit it out for another week.

In the meantime - Keep 'em coming DP - and from this post Earnshaw is lucky must have caught you in an unusually good mood - I'm surprised you didn't just chin the fucker and throw him through his own windscreen.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 8 Oct 2009, 15:56, closed)

His hat...
It wasn't balanced precariously on his head - its just his bonce is an odd fuckin shape. Useless cunt that he is...
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Thu 8 Oct 2009, 16:16, closed)

The trick is
to fold the paper over when it's blank and *then* right the insulting text above it.
( djtrialprice, Thu 8 Oct 2009, 16:34, closed)

*write
and not "right".
(RVD420 has his world coming down on, Wed 14 Oct 2009, 17:00, closed)