Porn Star Smackdown
In 2003, as part of my civic duty as a California resident, I decided to run for Governor of California, and soon found myself among 135 candidates for the office (ultimately won by Arnold Schwarzenegger).

Trying to find a way to stand out among the pack of candidates proved to be a real challenge, and different candidates tried different things. Among the more-talented candidates were two notables named Arianna Huffington and Peter Camejo: separate candidates who nevertheless campaigned together, since they had similar positions on the issues and together could command larger audiences than they could separately. Perhaps I could do something similar, but with whom?

Some of the candidates had weak qualifications and tangential ambitions, but nevertheless possessed starpower. Among the most flamboyant of the candidates was porn star Mary Carey, who seemed less interested in earnest political reform than standing out amongst her crowded field of ambitious starlets.

Mary Carey's travels around California took her to a nearby strip club and I traveled there to discuss how we could campaign together: sort of Huffington/Camejo lite. I could add a little gravitas and intelligence and she could contribute her starpower. Instead of talking to her, though, I saw her show.

Mary Carey came out in an orange jumpsuit, which was quickly doffed to reveal something much skimpier. Then she began dancing. Her dance was energetic enough, but was compromised by the slippery floor under her platform shoes, and the frequent stops to jam the faces of appreciative patrons between her ample breasts. When she lay down on her back and her legs traced opposing arcs to the floor, her platform shoes made distinctive clicking noises when they simultaneously touched down.

The announcer stated that the most enthusiastic fan shouting 'Mary Carey for Governor!' would get a free videotape of Mary Carey. Under most circumstances, I'd be that most enthusiastic patron, but given my own candidacy, I had a hopeless conflict of interest. Attention focused stage right, where a rather lackluster group of men tried to get her attention. Mary Carey indicated by semaphore that she wanted more enthusiasm, and started doing jumping jacks as a suggestion. One little guy in a white shirt starting doing jumping jacks with vigor, and to me it looked like the contest was over. But Mary Carey was not satisfied, and she indicated that she was going to fling the VHS tape into audience as if it were a garter at a wedding. She lost her grip with the first toss, and the tape landed flat on the stage. The second toss went better, but she brained three guys with the spinning tape before it finally came to a stop - the enthusiastic little guy lost out.

The show got more lurid as the night wore on, but suffice to say that it was energetic. She was an appealing, confident competitor who might not see the value of a joint ticket without some persuasion.

Several weeks later, many gubernatorial candidates gathered for a nationally-televised appearance on Jay Leno's "Tonight Show" in Los Angeles. After the show, and on the way out of the theater, I suddenly found myself walking beside Mary Carey. Perhaps jealous of her ability to command media attention I took a patronizing tone with her:

Me: "Mary, I saw your show when you came to Sacramento."
Her: "How did you like it?"
Me: "Oh, it was good. Say, I had this wacky idea that if Arianna Huffington and Peter Camejo can campaign together, we could do the same - a 'beauty and brains' platform."
Her: "Well, I have the brains - do you have any beauty?"

Yeowww! Then she was off, to lavish attention on the fawning media. Later, one of the gubernatorial candidates E-Mailed everyone with a link for a Mary Carey look-alike amateur porn star named Mary Caray. Just like a series of Russian stripper dolls, each with a smaller stripper doll inside: First, pop singer Mariah Carey, then porn star Mary Carey, then amateur porn star Mary Caray.....no end in sight!
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 8:46, 2 replies)

When they get to
The scottish one- Murray Curry- I'd expect they'll stop making new versions...
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 13:01, closed)

"Gubernatorial"
Is the weirdest word ever.
( Smallbrainfield, Mon 12 Oct 2009, 16:30, closed)