b3ta.com user Smallbrainfield
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Profile for Smallbrainfield:
Profile Info:

I still love b3ta, but sadly filters at work render most images unviewable these days, even at lunchtimes. So I'm not here as much as I'd like to be.

One day, I will buy some webspace when I'm not busy paying for kitchens and kids and stuff.

Visit my terrible blog by clicking here.

My risible quality art can be found on Redbubble by clicking this link.

Or come and find me on Flickr by clicking here.

Recent front page messages:

Uh oh, granddad's posting his "satire" again.
Click for bigger (297 kb)
(Thu 23rd May 2024, 10:39, More)

Hello. I haven't done this for a long time...

Is this satire?
(Tue 21st Mar 2023, 12:12, More)


(Mon 25th May 2020, 20:04, More)

Dippy Eggs! Free Shirts! Being Planes! Woyoyoyoyoy!

Football looks like fun.
(Fri 29th Jun 2018, 17:00, More)

It's goodnight from me, and goodnight from him also.
and goodnight from him also.
(Mon 7th May 2018, 13:10, More)

Milkshake for ZX Spectrum in 48K

(Fri 20th Apr 2018, 11:46, More)


I don't get it.
(Tue 17th Apr 2018, 12:30, More)

Am I doing this right?

(Fri 17th Nov 2017, 15:49, More)

Sitcom idea: Julian and Henry

(Tue 14th Nov 2017, 15:14, More)

Bogus emerges sporadically, cutting a wake of destruction and sowing blame everywhere but himself.
cutting a wake of destruction and sowing blame everywhere but himself.
(Tue 19th Sep 2017, 12:35, More)

On a similar note.

(Tue 25th Jul 2017, 12:17, More)

Hith Mathterth Voith

(Fri 2nd Jun 2017, 13:29, More)

Also, for the 404 compo
for the 404 compo
(Thu 1st Jun 2017, 12:57, More)

Schlong & Mabel

(Fri 26th May 2017, 10:16, More)

If you know any knobheads, please feel free to share it with them.
please feel free to share it with them.
Fuck today and fuck all terrorist fuckers.
(Tue 23rd May 2017, 15:13, More)

Apologies to Brian Bolland. And The Joker.

(Thu 4th May 2017, 12:41, More)

A vote to leave is a vote for the Great Old Ones.

(Thu 23rd Jun 2016, 12:38, More)


(Wed 27th Jan 2016, 12:42, More)


(Fri 22nd Jan 2016, 12:02, More)


(Fri 28th Aug 2015, 11:21, More)

Ha ha

(Fri 13th Jun 2014, 15:07, More)

This one is pretty awesome too.

(Mon 12th Aug 2013, 12:54, More)


(Wed 17th Apr 2013, 14:56, More)

It was a quiet ceremony.

Apart from the hammering.

Edit: mind the piss.
(Wed 17th Apr 2013, 9:46, More)

(Thu 21st Feb 2013, 14:01, More)

(Thu 24th Jan 2013, 13:47, More)


(Fri 18th Jan 2013, 12:47, More)

/awaits call to the palace.

Edit: There's a bigger version on my blog.
(Fri 11th Jan 2013, 13:01, More)

Modern warfail

(Fri 4th Jan 2013, 11:32, More)


(Thu 25th Oct 2012, 14:23, More)

Edit: Cheers for FP!
(Wed 15th Aug 2012, 13:56, More)

Ace! Open your mind!

(Fri 25th May 2012, 10:55, More)

Oh, God! Oh, Jesus Christ! Oh, my God! Christ! No, no, dear God!

(Tue 1st May 2012, 14:08, More)

(Fri 30th Mar 2012, 15:38, More)

Preparing kids for the eschcaton.

(Tue 13th Dec 2011, 16:01, More)

Here you go.

The others are on my blog.
(Fri 4th Nov 2011, 13:20, More)

Difficult second coming album

(Mon 17th Oct 2011, 14:35, More)

Bit late, but there you go.

Spot the meme.
(Tue 13th Sep 2011, 13:17, More)

Are we done with this yet?

(Wed 4th May 2011, 13:28, More)

The look YOU WANT.

(Thu 31st Mar 2011, 13:37, More)

Ha ha!

(Fri 25th Feb 2011, 13:35, More)


(Thu 13th Jan 2011, 13:30, More)


(Thu 6th Jan 2011, 13:34, More)


(Thu 14th Oct 2010, 13:34, More)

If you go down in the woods today...

(Fri 8th Oct 2010, 10:13, More)

Odd, them turning up all of a sudden...

(Fri 21st May 2010, 11:31, More)

Joke famine

(Thu 28th Jan 2010, 13:42, More)

Hair Collector

(Thu 1st Oct 2009, 15:12, More)


(Thu 17th Sep 2009, 15:13, More)


There's a bigger version on my blog. Yes, really.
(Thu 2nd Jul 2009, 12:28, More)


(Thu 11th Jun 2009, 12:08, More)


Follow me on twitter. Ho ho, not really, it's just my silly old blog. Tsk, caveman.
(Fri 8th May 2009, 12:16, More)

Gotta catch em all... erm. perhaps not.

1600x1200 wallpaper
(Tue 28th Apr 2009, 14:32, More)

News 24 on a budget

Visit my piss-poor blog here for other stuff.
(Thu 5th Mar 2009, 13:17, More)

The light that burns twice as bright

Poor old Jade. I was in two minds about posting this, as it is in rather bad taste.
(Tue 3rd Mar 2009, 13:30, More)


Hmmm. Probably shouldn't post an irresponsible image like this at half term.
Never ever put a plastic bag over your head, kids.
Even if it's raining.
(Tue 17th Feb 2009, 12:54, More)

'Play us a tune, Han', they would say...

(Tue 28th Oct 2008, 14:37, More)

Ha ha! Yes, yes there will.

(Wed 10th Sep 2008, 9:58, More)

(Thu 14th Aug 2008, 13:49, More)


Visit terrible blog here for larger version and other stuff.
(Tue 6th May 2008, 13:17, More)

Public Information Message.

Visit terrible blog here for larger version and other stuff.
(Tue 15th Apr 2008, 13:56, More)

In the future, advertising will be everywhere...

Larger version.
Visit terrible blog here.
(Fri 11th Apr 2008, 11:53, More)

An Habitual Plumbing Woe

Visit terrible blog here for bigger version.
(Wed 5th Mar 2008, 12:57, More)

Wildlife on One

(Thu 31st Jan 2008, 12:18, More)

It gets to them all in the end.

(Tue 20th Nov 2007, 11:49, More)

The one where...

(Thu 11th Oct 2007, 13:46, More)

The Power of Love

It's a curious thing. Bigger, longer, less compressed? Click here!.
(Fri 5th Oct 2007, 9:57, More)

(Fri 31st Aug 2007, 14:07, More)

(Fri 10th Aug 2007, 13:35, More)

Survival tips

Click for bigger and less compressed.
(Thu 12th Jul 2007, 13:14, More)

Once upon a time in advertising world...

Click for bigger and less compressed.
(Mon 2nd Jul 2007, 16:05, More)

(Tue 15th May 2007, 14:27, More)

Apologies to Eric Carle...

Click for Brownmoth wallpaper weirdness
(Tue 1st May 2007, 13:45, More)

The Master of Darkness

(Fri 30th Mar 2007, 14:22, More)


(Mon 12th Feb 2007, 13:48, More)

(Fri 12th Jan 2007, 15:19, More)

My favorite Spice Girl was always Melony C...

Click for full image.
(Mon 11th Dec 2006, 16:40, More)

(Mon 4th Dec 2006, 13:23, More)

Don't put the kettle on! It's...

Previously on Mr Magic Tea-Fingers...
(Wed 8th Nov 2006, 13:11, More)

True professionals

Get well soon, little Top Gear bloke.
(Thu 21st Sep 2006, 11:21, More)

Here's Mears

They should give him a show called "Here's Mears". It sounds fantastic.
(Wed 5th Jul 2006, 13:28, More)

I'm getting a bit worried about Ray.

Bonus 'I love Judy' wallpaper Clicky
Possibly NSFW if your boss has a thing about gourds.
(Tue 9th May 2006, 13:20, More)


(Wed 26th Apr 2006, 13:03, More)

New from the land where anything is possible...

(Tue 28th Feb 2006, 13:12, More)

Evolution in action

(Mon 23rd Jan 2006, 13:56, More)


(Wed 21st Dec 2005, 13:59, More)

Be careful where you protest.

(Tue 13th Dec 2005, 12:53, More)

He's non-toxic, too.

(Tue 6th Dec 2005, 13:02, More)

Well, it might get one person back to church

(Thu 8th Sep 2005, 13:29, More)


(Thu 4th Aug 2005, 13:43, More)

An actors life

(Mon 11th Jul 2005, 13:21, More)

Lessons in extravagant palace building, helicopters...

...and Swiss Bank accounts
(Wed 6th Jul 2005, 13:05, More)

Do mothballs contain LSD?

(Mon 27th Jun 2005, 13:19, More)

Wow. Well I'm amazed.

(Fri 24th Jun 2005, 12:59, More)

You tell him to pick it up.

(Thu 16th Jun 2005, 13:33, More)

So that's how they're made.

(Mon 6th Jun 2005, 13:03, More)

Crazy Flog

(Tue 24th May 2005, 13:54, More)


(Tue 5th Apr 2005, 13:00, More)

Somewhere in my heart

(Thu 24th Feb 2005, 12:53, More)

All problems can be solved with a SReMECH

(Wed 23rd Feb 2005, 13:09, More)

Try as they might

There were some action figures Forbidden Planet couldn't sell.

Edit: Wallpaper for some reason.
(Wed 9th Feb 2005, 13:21, More)

Before computers were invented in Russia.

(Wed 26th Jan 2005, 12:49, More)

A pilgrimage to enlightenment.

(Tue 25th Jan 2005, 13:27, More)

1970s ITV Sistine Madonna

Click here for the full picture.
If you don't know who Paula Wilcox was, ask your dad.
More side splitting mirth with great art
(Fri 14th Jan 2005, 13:31, More)

Jock, start the plane!

(Mon 10th Jan 2005, 13:36, More)

Is this a bit dark?

Dib dib dib.
Previously on Simon Grooms' mobile disco
I've been WebSensed out of B3ta apart from lunchtime, so I'm in a bit of an ugly mood.
(Tue 26th Oct 2004, 12:50, More)

Now booking.

Apologies if anyone has a seizure.
(Fri 15th Oct 2004, 12:18, More)

Warning: Contains Strobe Effect.

Bonus image one man acid house revival.
(Thu 23rd Sep 2004, 13:52, More)

He just wanted a quiet night 4...

Bonus image for lovers of the meat pocket they call kebab.
(Fri 17th Sep 2004, 12:55, More)

No wonder it's so untidy these days

(Fri 13th Aug 2004, 13:55, More)

Their first assignment

And they were hungry for action...
Yay! FP'ed! Shoot to kill men...
(Tue 18th May 2004, 16:24, More)


(Mon 2nd Feb 2004, 15:02, More)

Not sure why

(Thu 18th Dec 2003, 14:24, More)

Program ready, enter when complete.
Cor! FP'd! Ta!
(Thu 30th Oct 2003, 15:33, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Bizarre habits

When I was a kid and saw the film Jaws.
I was convinced Jaws would get me in my sleep. This despite the fact I lived in Lancashire, at least a mile from the nearest river with a sea connection and a long way from Amity, which I was dimly aware was probably somewhere off the south eastern United States.

So, assuming Jaws survives the end of the film, can navigate the river Irwell as far as Bury, hop out of the water, thrash his way across fields and two major roads, open a garden gate latched on the inside (which even human beings with their opposale thumbs found nigh on impossible to work), break down a door, climb upstairs and manouver a complicated bannister arrangement to my childhood bedroom to bite me, he would then have to have a bite length of at least 23 inches as I habitually slept as close as possible to the wall in order to avoid this admittedly remote possibility. Fuck you Jaws, you were never going to get me.
(Thu 1st Jul 2010, 14:07, More)

» The Meaning Of Giff

The small key-like object supplied with some brands of smartphone to open the sim card slot.
(Mon 30th Apr 2018, 16:25, More)

» Stuff I've found

I once found a bloodstained five-pound note when I was a kid.
(A fiver to a twelve year old kid in the eighties was serious wonga, I hasten to add.)

I like to imagine it fluttered out of the hand of some dying criminal, shot to bits by rival gangsters, then dumped in an alley.
With his last breath, his life flashing before him, he realises ruefully that all his life he has been alone, never truly able to trust anyone. On the cusp of the yawing abyss of oblivion, he regards the bloody five pound note as it flutters out of his weakening grasp.

Well, it could have been that, or somebody might have dropped it coming out of the butchers shop down the road.

I spent it on sweets, probably.
(Thu 6th Nov 2008, 13:08, More)

» Happy 10th Birthday B3ta

Eight years since I joined as well. Have a commemorative plate in recognition.

(Mon 12th Sep 2011, 12:49, More)

» I'm Sorry I've Written A Joke

A horse wearing a disproportionately tall version of a red felt hat popularised during the Ottoman Empire walks into a bar.
The barman pauses for purposes of comedic timing, then asks;

"Why the long fez?"
(Tue 8th May 2018, 10:43, More)
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