How to pull: A fuckwits guide
During my years of borderline alcoholism, I’ve encountered a number of chat up lines that can be grouped into a few disparate categories. Here’s a few I can be arsed to recall:

Intelligence
Coming from Coventry this was a technique I didn’t see firsthand before I went to University. Pretty straightforward; you’re average run-of-the-mill bloke tries to trick some random girl into thinking he’s got the frightening intellect of Plato, Stephen Hawking, and that Jean Luc Picard when he’s in the X-Men all wrapped into one. Apparently if you come across as super-brainy, those knickers will just melt away like rice paper as they react with the gushing lady juices.
The main drawback of this approach is that the only fellas who could claim to actually possess a thunderously stonking intellect are actually locked away in a room somewhere reading books and doing hard maths. Those fuckwits who are actually out on the pull are not – in point of fact – super geniuses.
Best Intelligence related chat up line I heard: “Cows have got four stomachs, impressive, ehh? Can I buy you a drink? NO!?! Are you sure? OK, in that case can I buy your mate a drink – did you know that cows have got four stomachs?” Needless to say that particular mate went home alone. Knowledge of bovine anatomy does not, as it turns out, guarantee pussy – who’d have thought, ehh?

Manly Man Man
Some people avoid the two golden rules when it comes to hitting people: one, always pick on someone smaller than you, preferably sporting some kind of physical disability or impairment (the wheelchair bound are an absolute walk over). Two: avoid fisticuffs with ‘the mentalists’. Those mad fuckers can call upon superhuman strength, Incredible Hulk style, and probably wouldn’t bat an eyelid before they’ve ripped out your testicles to playing the fuckers like a set of soggy maracas before your eyes, with your screams of agony acting as a counterpoint to the samba rhythm.
But some men, when in close proximity to fur burger, actually view the fine and ancient art of twatting someone as an aide to pulling. They’ll suddenly come on all Steven Segal and Hulk Hogan, literally go Rambo-to-the-extreme on someone’s ass in the hope of attracting some minge. Obviously, this is a flimsy pretext to hide their latent homosexual tendencies, but I’m fucked if I’m going to tell them this. Apparently some ladies – according to these Neanderthals in Abercrombie & Fitch shirts, drenched in enough Hugo Boss to suffocate an army of small horses, actually believe being a manly man man, having a good old fashioned punch up, will end in a splashy ejaculation at the cervix of some munter.
Best Manly Man Man Chat Up Line Contender: “See these guns?” stroking his tree trunk sized biceps. “These have personally destroyed a whole carriage full of Crystal Palace supporters...” I presume this upstanding denizen of society was a follower of Millwall... Either way it worked for him as moments later he’d taken the girl to a quiet sofa area at the back of the club so he could very lovingly and tenderly finger fuck her with the skill and dexterity of an out of control piston engine on a rampage. Of course, the girl was uglier than one of those deep-sea angling fish, mind, but he’s the man who’d be offering the smell of fresh, sweaty quim to his mates several minutes later and the kudos this bestowed. The rest of us had to settle for the usual finger smell of Marlborough lights and stale piss instead...

Pity
For those of us lacking in wit, charm, good lucks, or a cock that should be swinging on the rear end of a horny rhinoceros, we have this tried and tested means of obtaining a positive result from any potential flirt-and-squirt encounter. Pity. The premise works like this: Make her feel sorry for you. If you make her feel sorry for you she is absolutely guaranteed to let you have a go bashing away at her innards. She’ll let you do this as she is a humanitarian. Its charity work for her. She’ll be left feeling like some kind of slutty Mother Teresa figure, and you’ll have come – you’re both happy.
Best pity chat up line I’ve encountered (Ian you know who you are): “I never knew who my mum and dad were... Yeah, ‘s sad innit?” Rueful shake of the head. “But you know what – I’ve never been able to tell anyone about this before. You know, I think we might have some kind of a connection. Sorry if that freaks you out a bit.” Now at this point this tactic actually seemed to be working. Very fucking weird. The girl started leaning into Ian, she looked genuinely impressed that my mate had chosen her to spill his beans (prior to spilling beans of a different kind) to. But Ian being Ian, he had to go and fuck it up: “I’ve only got a ten pound note on me – d’you have any change for the condom machine? They’ve got one in the toilets in here, I know, I’ve been here before...”

The Comedy Line
Apparently making a girl laugh means she’s more likely to fuck you. This is, of course, absolute bollocks. But you can actually have a bit of fun feeding lines to your mates in the hope that they’ll say something so horrendously offensive to a complete stranger they’ll end up losing their ability to father children in the future.
One that spring to mind was when my mate Dan, upon seeing a girl I vaguely knew, asked me for a decent opening line. I noticed she was wearing blue, predominantly. Some sort of ethnic material trouser things that made her look like one of those hot science birds off of Time Team. I fed Dan the line, he didn’t think much of it. I explained the line, that this girl would love it if you paid her a compliment on her ‘kooky’ fashion sense. Dan went scuttling off. I watched from a distance as he repeated the line. I watched from a distance as Dan received a slap round the face. I started pissing myself as he returned, crestfallen.

“What the fuck went wrong there?” he enquired.

“That Sarah knows her smut, mate. You just asked her if she likes kneeling on the floor while a shitload of horny Japanese dudes shoot their load in her face. As a rule, that's a bit of a non-starter, mate.”

“Ehh???" said Dan, "‘Do you wear blue khaki often, it looks good on you?’” Then he stopped, thought about it, “You utter, utter, BASTARD!!!”


Chat up lines: Stopped using them after I hit puberty. Just have a nice little chat, and try your hardest to convince the girl you’re a nice, decent, wonderful, amazing, witty, intelligent, manly man man (and if you can slip into the conversation somewhere you struggle to fit an empty pint glass over your erect cock, what harm could that possibly do?).
( SpankyHanky, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 16:26, 5 replies)

I'm afraid I don't have anything interesting to say
All I can add is that I'm shocked that no-one else has replied yet, given that this is hilarious.
(Pope Jamiroquai III, Tue 15 Dec 2009, 2:30, closed)

Virgin.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 15 Dec 2009, 7:52, closed)

For those of us lacking in wit, charm, good lucks, or a cock that should be swinging on the rear end of a horny rhinoceros
Gets my click. Also this is without any doubt my best approache to chatting up the ladies.
(7777, Tue 15 Dec 2009, 9:15, closed)

Gotta love a Spanky post
*Clicks*
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Tue 15 Dec 2009, 9:59, closed)