This hasn't failed me yet.
i) Look for your ex-girlfriend from about 15 years or so on the internet.

ii) Having failed to find her, try and get on a reality show which re-introduces people to their exes.

iii) When they can't find her either, look up everyone in the state with her name, and write to them.

iv) When walking back from the post box last night, feel like a bit of a sad act.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 15 Dec 2009, 5:54, Reply)