As I have just realised
that I could pair my bluetooth keyboard to my ps3, here's another.

My last foray into the world of women was..... interesting to say the least. I've already pointed out that I'm, well lets not pull any punches here, I'm rubbish at asking women out. But every so often, one or sometimes even two become interested enough to have a crack at asking me out themselves. Or something along those lines anyway.

The last time this happened was about six weeks ago. I had gone to my local for a quiet pint and a game of snooker with a few mates and was surprised to find that as well as the usual suspects, there were a couple of young ladies in the pub. I seemed to catch one of their eyes quite quickly and got a few little smiles, and by the end of the night we were the only ones left in the pub and were all fairly drunk. The two girls were holding forth on the subject of virginity, and it soon became apparent that one of them had managed to make it to the age of 20 without losing hers, something which she seemed eager to rectify. I found myself talking to her as we made our way to my friends house for a party after the pub closed. Talking is one way of putting it. Half carrying half dragging while she slurred "I mean, would you shag me?" was another.

When we got to the house, I wandered to the kitchen to get myself a drink and she followed me. As I bit the lid off my bottle (class act, me) she sheepishly moved alongside me. Then, with a startling turn of speed that I had thought was beyond her in the state she was in, she shouted "RIGHT!" and grabbed my head in a vice like grip, planting her lips in the general area of my mouth and immediately almost collapsing to the ground. Standing there holding up this paralytic girl, I felt that ever present thorn in my side, my coinscience, spring into action. I couldn't do it. I managed to get her off my face for long enough to ask her if she was sure what she was doing. She hardly know who she was by this point let alone what she was doing, so I sat her in a chair and got her a glass of water. She seemed genuinely depressed that her epic struggle against virginity had again failed, so I gave her my number and told her to ring me when she was sober. (which she hasn't, so I guess I was right).

That was round one of the female chat ups that night. "RIGHT!" It was novel, I'll give her that, and I don't get chatted up a lot so it was...... interesting. A warm up, if you will. For a few seconds later, her friend came into the kitchen.

As soon as she entered, the first girl stood up, shouted "You always do this to me!" and ran out the door. Instead of going after her, her friend , the one who'd been smiling at me all night, plonked down next to me on the chair and gave me a huge grin. "What's wrong with her?" I asked. And received the most interesting chat up line I've ever had to date.

"She thinks I want to shag you."

"Oh". I replied. "Erm.... do you?"

"Yep." The big grin again.

"Oh. Ok then" I said. "Just gimme a few seconds, need to nip into the toilet for a tic" There must be some in there. There must be. There was.

You'd think that this story would end well, though, wouldn't you. A night of hot passion. Well, it's me, isn't it. I returned from the toilet barely two minutes later and found her tonsil deep in my mate. Fear not though, for kissing was as far as they went, and soon she again turned her mind to me, and being that I was drunk and pretty much didn't care by this point, she needed no further chat up lines when she found me in the living room. (yes, they are a classy buch round here)

But wait. It's still me, isn't it? It must go wrong somewhere? Well, I didn't mind the biting of my neck. I didn't mind the tearing at my clothes. I was sort of weirded out by being asked to request that she be "A good girl" and "Not a bad girl", but hey, my brain has already talked me out of one bonk tonight, I'm damned if I'll let it do me over again. Bit more biting. Yes I want you to be good, yes. Then she went and bloody said it didn't she?

"Do you want to come home with me?"

I did. I really did.

"You can meet my mum and dad."

Yes OK that'd be ni...... wait. What? it's half past two in the morning.

"I'll wake them up."

Wait, why would you do that? I managed "Ummmmm...... wouldn't you rather stay here?"

"Say it."

"Say what?" I was starting to feel my spidey sense tingling.

"You know what"

I didn't.

"I, erm, want you to be good?"

"NO!" I think I shat myself a bit at this point. "SAY IT! You know what to say".

I really didn't. I told her as much. She leaned in and whispered in my ear. "Say you'll never leave me. Say you love me."

*AWOOOOGAH* *AWOOOOGAH*

Now, I may have been pissed and by now genuinely weirded out, but I kept proper decorum, like a gentleman. "I, er, I've only just met you"

*BANG!* She hit me across the face. "You're just like everyone else" she screamed as she hauled herself off me, completely missing the fact that most every single one of the guys I know would have said they loved her, boned her then never seen her again. By this point, I was genuinely happy that I had somehow wriggled out of what was shaping up to be my second marriage after only an hour and didn't mind the fact that I heard her violently screwing my other mate in his room about 30 minutes later.

Apparently she hit him so hard with her shoes that he had bruises for two weeks when he said he didn't love her, but at least she had waited til afterwards to ask him :(
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Wed 16 Dec 2009, 4:15, 5 replies)

Whoa, scary story!
You got off lightly me thinks.
The fallout from this kind of girl can be horrendous.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Wed 16 Dec 2009, 11:04, closed)

I seem to let off some kind of pheromone
That attracts the nutcases.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Wed 16 Dec 2009, 15:43, closed)

Remind me never to
sit next to you on the bus!
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Wed 16 Dec 2009, 17:39, closed)

Hell fire
What a Scary Mary. You dodged a bullet there I reckon.
(womanwhocanonlylivewithdogs, Wed 16 Dec 2009, 13:52, closed)

I bumped into her again
in the pub a fortnight ago. She'd had a haircut and I didn't recognise her at first, so I spent a good minute or two glancing sideways at her thinking "I know that girl, I'm sure of it" before she eventually came over and started speaking to me.

As soon as I heard her voice the penny dropped and I don't think I've ever moved so fast in my life.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Wed 16 Dec 2009, 15:48, closed)