Sleep tight
I've been living in the same flat for two years now, with a great mate of mine. The landlord has a lot to answer for though. The bed I sleep in is quite possibly the worst piece of crap I have ever napped on. It's a double bed, which is good. When there's no-one sharing it with you, you get loads of room to sprawl.

But not this bed. This bed is an example of why you shouldn't buy the cheapest divan bed possible. It's basically two divan blocks on wheels that go together in the middle. Not attached together in any way, just pressed together, and they're the wrong size for the mattress on them.

Every single edge creaks. I don't just mean a little, I mean a lot. There is no way to get on or off the bed in any direction at any speed without a loud *GRRRRRREEEEEEERRRREAAAAKGRCREEAAK* or something like that. Every time you move around, the bed makes noise. Every time you shift position, the bed cries out in torment. And should you have a nice man in the bed, few things kill the mood more than the death cries of a bed that will not die.

It's not even the mattress springs - it's the wood in the cheap fecking bed.

Landlords - please get your tenants some decent furniture. It'll be cheaper in the long run! Get a nice solid metal frame with storage space underneath. Get a good basic wood frame. You don't need anything fancy. Just don't make your tenants suffer with the cheapest divan imaginable!
(calamarain just invented dehydrated water, Mon 7 Jan 2008, 17:45, 6 replies)

Memories
My mum bought me a double divan when I was 16. It was lovely to have a big new bed all to myself, but then I got a girlfriend.

It lasted 11 YEARS!!!, right through the "Teenagers fucking like rabbits" stage and the "Just got engaged and can't keep your hands off eachother" stage. It struggled through two house-moves and the associated "Celebrating our newfound privacy and freedom" stage. It even staggered throught the "Making a baby" stage, but by then it was on it's last legs (I know - it was a divan with no legs).

In the end it matched your description perfectly. The neighbours must have hated it every time I got nookie. It was truly awful, but we still missed it when we went on holiday!
Thankfully it was replaced during house-move #3 with a nice wood -read: Ikea MDF- box frame one, but the new one broke (I'm a big lad and would sit on the side to put my socks on *Crack*, so now we have a nice metal one and I doubt I'll have any other type.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Mon 7 Jan 2008, 18:43, closed)

Creak
Yeah, not sure how old this one is. But either way, it's on its last legs. I want to be able to lie down without sound effects, dammit!
(calamarain just invented dehydrated water, Mon 7 Jan 2008, 18:45, closed)

Have you considered
putting the mattress on the floor?
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Mon 7 Jan 2008, 19:25, closed)

Floor
Tried that. Dust seems to be worse close to the floor, and it's colder down there. Neither is good for an asthmatic. As bad as the creaking is, breathing is good.
(calamarain just invented dehydrated water, Mon 7 Jan 2008, 23:55, closed)

Cheap fix
Turn it upside down and apply masses of talcum powder to every joint - bloomin' cover every bit of wood you can see. Acts as a lubricant and stops the squeaking. Had a bed at uni that was the same - people from three rooms over knew when I got lucky!
(Pig_of_Doom, Tue 8 Jan 2008, 9:52, closed)

Talcum
That's an interesting idea. And it won't do any harm... I might have to give that a try. Would need to slice away the fabric at the bottom to get the talc inside and join it up again, but there's no reason why it wouldn't work.
(calamarain just invented dehydrated water, Tue 8 Jan 2008, 16:20, closed)