Once you've had around 5 weeks of karate/judo/[martial art of choice],
you will know all the points of weakness on the human body, along with at least 3 instant kill techniques.

Of course, I can't show you how to do them, as they're illegal (and would kill you), but I definately learnt them.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 19 Jan 2012, 22:02, 11 replies)

Now it's more like once you've watched a dozen youtube videos of "secret lethal moves that my master in China only taught me"... I think those kinds of DVDs might be the most rapidly growing form of charlatanry right now. Everyone knows you can only learn the kill techniques by having them done to you a few times in person, anyway. :)
( the prick of misery pierced my foot on a spiiiike on, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 4:39, closed)

Being murdered
builds character.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 9:42, closed)

I lost all my faith in the superpowers of martial arts at Butlins on Barry Island in 1981
a bunch of 10 or 11 year olds were being shown the rudiments of how to fall down safely by a burly bloke tripping us up one by one. A friend of mine took exception to the procedure, stepped over the trip and punched the hong kong fooey master right in the kidney. He laughed it off and pretended it hadn't hurt but spoke with an obviously strained voice for the rest of the lesson.

Bony eleven-year-old knuckles: 1 Chop sockey: nil
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 8:49, closed)

I earned my karate sensei's grudging respect
by heading his advice and running away from a fight.
Two of us from the class were to be attacked, in turn, by the rest of the class (to practice blocking). One rather large gentleman took a flying leap at me, whilst screaming; I wisely decided that a block was out of the question, and stepped aside, allowing my assailant to plow into a pile of chairs.
Bruce Lee had nothing on me.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 9:32, closed)

Ah yes.
The hopping bird stack-o-chairs technique. Advanced stuff for a child.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 9:54, closed)

Karate 'masters' are always a disappointment.
I remember expecting them to be all Van Damme and shit, but to a man, they were slightly pot-bellied hairy shouters with thick forearms and an almost-American degree of misguided self-belief.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 9:47, closed)

I trained in Karate for 9 long, hard years....
My technique was beautiful, I was supple, I was graceful. I was a flowing creature of martial art perfection. No one in my association could touch me...

And then I walked into a Muay Thai gym and got the biggest shoeing of my life. Simultaneously the best/worst lesson I ever learned - There is always someone better, Karate is shit and I had wasted 10 years of my youth when I should have been out drinking and shagging lasses.

Fucksocks.
(Mr Fudge It shouldn't be illegal to have sex with an eagle, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 10:10, closed)

Despite it's background as a method of defence for impoverished farmhands,
I long suspected that karate would be of limited use in a real fight.
From what I've seen of Muay Thai, it's far more concerned with beating the shit out of people, so I will encourage my kids to learn that, instead (I watched a class training in the local park, recently, and it was mostly small children kicking the crap out of each other - great stuff).
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:41, closed)

How did you know
that I was an impoverished farmhand? Have we met?

Totally agree that Muay Thai is awesome though. 3 months of training 3 times a week and I was in better shape than ever before and learned more about martial arts than I was taught in a decade of Karate.

PS - Top noncing for watching the kids in the park. Bravo.
(Mr Fudge It shouldn't be illegal to have sex with an eagle, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 14:48, closed)

after showing some skoolmates how aikido taught me to fall over and roll with grace,
I slipped on some mud on the concrete play area and knocked one of my teeth out.
Didn't even have time to put a hand out to save my face.

Smooooth.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 12:13, closed)