Instant results
I live in Weymouth, where virtually every main road into the town is being dug up in advance of the 2012 Olympics (we're hosting the sailing events). When Dorset County Council announced yesterday that yet another road was to be closed from next week, I snapped. Fair play to them for the instant result I got in my inbox not ten minutes ago:

Dear Mr Weymouth Transport Package

You're doing this as a dare, aren't you? It's all a huge social experiment called "How many roads can we dig up in Weymouth at the same time before people are reduced to foraging in hedgerows because the Waitrose van can't get through," isn't it?

Go on - admit it: You've got men in white coats from the country's foremost higher educational establishments making notes on clipboards every time they see a driver, trapped in a jam, rocking back and forth like the bears you see on adverts for animal charities they put on during Countdown, the people of Weymouth and Dorset trapped like so many mice in some cruel psychological experiment to see how much a community can take before we all go Lord of the Flies.

If this is the case, I dare you to reduce Preston Beach Road to a single lane with Stop/Go boards for six months pending the construction of a 300-foot statue of Cheryl Cole. I double-dog-dare you with no returns, in fact.

I am not mad.

Your pal,

S Duck

And their reply: "Thank you for your feedback. We have forwarded your planning requests re: said cultural monument to the relevant department"

And their immediate response: Another press release in which the main bridge into the town centre is to be closed for a month. I'm onto them
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 15:34, Reply)