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With the Pope about to visit the UK, what better time to unburden yourself of anything that's weighing on your mind by posting it on the internet? Pay particular attention to the Seven Deadly Sins of lust, greed, envy, pride, posting puns on the QOTW board and the other ones. Top story gets to kneel before His Holiness's noodly appendage, or something

(, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 11:47)
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In which grandmasterfluffles gets revenge in true b3ta style
As a friend of mine said recently, "There's nothing quite as satisfying as doing an ENORMOUS smelly poo somewhere where you're very unlikely ever to return, and driving away at full speed." I think I can go one better. There's nothing quite as satisfying as doing an ENORMOUS smelly poo that makes someone throw up.

A couple of years ago I was in Tegucigalpa. Tegucigapla is the capital of Honduras, and boy is it a shithole. I'd been travelling for a few weeks with a fairly large group of people, most of whom I liked. With one massive exception. Megan. Megan was a nasty, bitchy girl who made snide comments about me in front of everybody, persuaded people to go out without me, etc etc. I don't know why she didn't like me, but she was a Grade A bitch. I emailed everybody back home asking what evil things I should do to her and came up with the following list of suggestions:

* Put hair removal cream in her shampoo
* Spike her drinks with laxatives
* Shave her head while she's asleep
* Put her hand in warm water while she's asleep
* Piss in her suitcase
* Teach her that "Me gusta joder las cabras" means, "Hello, how are you?"

However, what actually happened was so much more satisfying than any of those things. We were at the bus terminal waiting for our bus to Nicaragua when the dodgy burrito that I'd had the night before caught up with me. After an agonising several-minute wait for the one toilet in the building I dived in there, dropped my pants and unleashed a foul torrent of effluent. After I'd cleaned myself up and straightened myself out, I turned round to flush the vile river of monster shit down the toilet. It wouldn't flush. I was in there for several minutes, cursing this toilet, opening it up and trying to fix it, all to no avail. It was not going to flush. There was nothing for it. I was going to have to leave it and pretend that it wasn't mine.

I left the cubicle, looking as innocent and disgusted as I possibly could. Mercifully the next person in the queue wasn't anyone I knew, but behind her was Megan. "It's disgusting in there," I helpfully warned her. A few minutes later, thanks to an open window facing the bus terminal, I was treated to the glorious sound of the following:

"Oh -my - God - BLEEEEEARAARRRRGGGHHHH!!! Ewww! HURRRRHHRHHHHGGGGHGGGHHHH!! BLLLLLLEEEEEEEARARRRGGsplugfffffff!!!"

A few minutes later, Megan emerged, white and shaking. I sat on the bus sniggering for the next several hours. Megan, if you're reading, IT WAS ME! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!
(, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 6:59, closed)
*clicks*
Revenge is a bowl served slightly steaming...
(, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 9:59, closed)
BLEEEEEARAARRRRGGGHHHH!!! Ewww! HURRRRHHRHHHHGGGGHGGGHHHH!! BLLLLLLEEEEEEEARARRRGGsplugfffffff!!!
That's quite possibly the bestest textual translation of someone throwing up EVAR!!

*click!*
(, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 12:32, closed)

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