Porn.
This is a saga, be warned.

Prologue:
As a tender lad of 11 who had just discovered the female figure and the joys that follow the viewing of such, I was inclined to find as much visual stimulus as possible.
Sure there was the interweb, but we were on 56k and I didn't not know how to turn auto-complete off (try explaining to your mother why your history is filled with visits to blowjobland.com).
Sure, my imagination could probably fill in the gaps of some of the attractive totty at school, but I wanted a real woman, I wanted Lita from WWF.
Search the web as I might, I couldn't find any pictures of her in the buff.
Eventually I gave up my search for this filthy, redheaded vixen.
A few weeks later, the scummy American lad from the estate approached me whilst I was having a slash (of all the places to be approached...)

"Oi, you know Lita? I got a picture of her with her muff out! You want it?"

WONDERMENT!
This is BRILLIANT!
My American saviour!
You perveyour of the rarest grot!
Prince among men, I thank you!

"20p."

20p? 20p!? This Goddess on earth - NAKED - for only Twenty Pence!?
Sir! If my sense of decency outweighed my need for flesh, I would challenge you for her honour!
Twenty Pence of my lunch money for this visual delight!

"Ok."

I hand over the single coin, I get a folded piece of paper in return.
SALVATION!
This piece of paper in my shaking hands has validated my existence!
I can die happy with only 11 years on this earth!

I started to open it gently, BUT NO!
Savour it, take it home, enjoy it the way it was meant to be enjoyed.
I fold it back up and put it in my pocket.
This was at lunch on a Monday when we finish late.
4 hours until I can be united with this prime specimen of womanhood!
Those were the longest four hours of my life, I could feel that small rectangle of paper burning a whole in my thigh!
Nothing else mattered, it was only a few hours.

Finally the final bell rang - sweet freedom!
I almost ran all the way home, if it were not for asthma and a general state of unfitness.
No, running would be unwise, you could trigger a heart attack or be chased or get knocked down by a car - No, play it safe.

There was an electricity in the air on the way home, with every step it grew and grew.
This storm, this tempest, being generated mostly by my crotch was rising.
Soon, soon I can be at home and gain that much needed spiritual fulfilment.

I neared the front door, no car on the drive, the home completely deserted, the universe has aligned perfectly to suit my wanking needs!

I entered those mint green hallways, going down to my bedroom where those 5 minutes of warm, spoogey, bliss await.
I dump the bag, remove that little A4 piece of heaven and haul my frame up onto my bunk.

The scene is set, I'm on my back, ready to incite the wrath of Catholic God for this simple indulgence, my hands shaking as I unfold the paper....






I'm not going to tell you how this ends, CONNED LOL!







On this piece of A4, an item more important to me than a cure for cancer or an end to world hunger, I saw............





A small, lo-resolution, floppy-disk sized picture of a red headed woman, with blatantly fake tits, spreading her legs to reveal an orange blur.
This is not my Lita.

Motherfucker.



Epilogue:
Tears stinging my eyes and a rapidly shrinking erection I had to dispose of the evidence, the bins wouldn't do, they would be checked for recycling.
I disposed of the item that shattered my dreams of the perfect wank, down the back of a chest in the garage, where it has remained to this very day.

Moral of this story?
Never trust scummy, American touts from a council estate.
I almost crippled him the next time I saw him.

Length?
You can't measure emotional destruction like that.
(Good Looking Deity Grew a magnificent beard on, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 20:30, 2 replies)

you poor baby!
great telling though! on the edge of my seat the whole time!

(he deserved the beating you gave him)
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Fri 19 Oct 2007, 4:35, closed)

But she does have blatantly fake.. oh, whatever.
Some quick Googlefruit for your troubles.
( Rob T Firefly talked, like, William Shatner, on, Sat 20 Oct 2007, 19:54, closed)