Falfa beans and a nice chianti...
This is weird; hear me out.

Many years ago whilst studenting in Manchester, I happened to be in the Student Union on a cold February night with my nearest and dearest. Got talking to a girl named Emma; which involved me spewing the usual verbal bollocks in an attempt to get guts deep in this 18 year old first year (I was in my final year at the time).

Things are going well and my mate JimBob Fruitbat sidles up to me and says: 'Hmmm, falfa beans and a nice chianti.' Then he does the sucking sound through his teeth and fucks off. Now, JimBob Fruitbat took alot of drugs, so I put it down to him having just scored some ajax in the toilets and thought nothing else of it.

Little did I know it was, in fact, a warning.

The night wares on, my charms work, and I escort Emma back to her place with the promise of spunky fun n frolics to come. SpankyHanky, the old dog, strikes again.

Emma lives in a house just off Oxford Road, so it doesn't take long to walk there.

We start off in the living room. Getting down n dirty. And after the most intense, passionate, amazing two-and-a-half-minutes of foreplay I suggest we go up to her bedroom.

And this is when it starts to get weird.

I'm stripped and ready to go by the time we reach the top of the stairs cuz I'm dead classy, me.

And then we're on her bed and getting down to it.

Emma says she wants the light on - click -

And I take a moment away from nuzzling her ample bosom to take a look around.

Hmm, thats a bit odd, thinks I.

Emma had decked her room out with film posters. Lots n lots of um. Shadowlands, The Remains of the Day, Howards End; even the sodding Bounty... and, of course Silence of the Lambs.

While she's on top of me, riding me like a screaming banshee, I turn my head to her bedside cabinet and see...

a framed fucking photo of Anthony Hopkins.

Emma notices I'm looking at the photo, and then says the scariest thing I have ever heard in my life. Emma says:

'Do you know what would be really fun? It would be really fun if you... put... that... photo... over... your... face...'

Now, I'm not proud of this, but I did.

A few minutes later, having finished the job in hand and feeling like I've just had an outer-body-experience shag, I got out of there as quickly as possible and ventured home.

And had the following conversation with JimBob Fruitbat who had snorted so much speed he wouldn't be sleeping for a good few days.

Me: 'You did too, didnt you?'
JimBob: 'Oh, yes.'
Me: 'And the photo..?'
JimBob: 'Oh, yes.'

So, sorta qualifies for this Question of the Week as the time when I fucked an 18 year old nutjob whilst in the character of an aging Welsh actor with a perchant for starring in crappy Merchant Ivory productions.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 9:51, 4 replies)

falfa beans
muppet
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 13:00, closed)

Cheers
father, falfa...
... not the sort of pulse Im particularly interested in...
( SpankyHanky, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 13:07, closed)

Lol
Made me laugh my ass off, especially the convo with JimBob. Click.
(chrisdalby, Sat 6 Dec 2008, 21:04, closed)

"staring in crappy Merchant Ivory productions"
A mistake that actually seems to work. He stares a lot in the films in which he stars.
(Musuko, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 13:23, closed)