Sort your bush out
I got a badly-worded, ungrammatical, but still fairly supercilious letter from Salford council last year with regard to my slightly unkempt privet bush. It was the icing on the cake, given the pisstake levels of intransigence concerning the estate I live on and anything to do with it's upkeep. I therefore felt honour-bound to respond in kind :

Dear Ms. Smythe,
I thank you for your letter dated 24th inst, in which you call attention to the three-and-a-half feet of slightly overgrown privets in front of my property. Being a busy working man and full-time father, it is comforting to know that New Prospect is looking out for the interests of its’ tenants, despite the continuing presence of a huge dilapidated camper van festering and promoting vermin in the front garden of the house not two doors away from me, for the last five years that I personally know about. I won’t go into further detail about dead cars under tarpaulins, and various other impromptu garages/safari trails/white goods graveyards currently subsiding on driveways up and down this marvellously uncompromised estate, because I’m sure you are already aware of it and are taking steps to redress the situation --once you’ve ridded the town of the clear and present privet peril of course.

I share confidence that your plan of sending a letter and stern, implicit talking-to will influence them to change their ways (assuming their disability benefit isn’t compromised by an ability to read.) It may even induce some of them to seek gainful employment and give up growing herbs for a living, who knows…?

On a trivial note, I only wish I had received from you, a missive of similar zeal (heck, even an acknowledgement would have been nice) on the three occasions last year that the back garden and rear portion of my house was almost burnt down, and the fire brigade had to be called to douse the flames. Unfortunately, despite numerous phone calls from myself and my wife, and even entreaties from the beleaguered brigade themselves; the dumped tyres on waste ground directly adjoining my property at the back of Kenyon Way remain to this day. I am looking forward this year (especially with the hot spell we are currently enjoying) to a conflagration of Kuwaiti oilfield proportions one of these balmy nights soon.

Still, it’s nice to know that our council tax contributions aren’t going entirely to waste -- what with the privet police out in force -- protecting citizens everywhere against the horrors of greenfly. I will sleep safer in that knowledge tonight; and thank you for the sterling work that so clearly gives your life meaning.

Sincerely,
Resident.

Ps – May I also respectfully suggest that you invest in some form of punctuation, if only to break up some of the unremitting patronisation in your letters? Commas are your friends.

Cunts.
(f0zz, Fri 27 Jul 2007, 13:01, Reply)