The list is long and varied
I spent a night in a little B&B in the town in Wales where my family live.

A member of my extended family was tying the knot on a September Saturday morning, and every room/sofa and floor of every other member of our family was heaving with occupants. I really couldn't face a night in the local pub's rooms, not with my 2 children, and so it was decided that we would try a new B&B which was fairly near the wedding venue.

After the customary 4 hour drive to Wales with 2 children in the back with plastic bags on their laps, and a mother in the passenger seat shrieking every time a car in front of changed into our lane, we arrived at our place of rest. I was feeling frazzled and parked the car in the gravelly alley which ran adjacent to the house, and my mum scurried into the B&B to find out where we could park. She emerged with a big man with little glasses and a large voice who told me to carry on down the gravel path and take the first left. "Watch out, it's a tad steep" he boomed. As I turned into the entrance I felt the car teeter for a couple of seconds before it fell off the end of a mini cliff. God knows what the gradient was but the engine was crying like a girl, and I'm sure my exhaust pipe said "What the FUCK?". I parked the car, unplugged the children from their PSP's and dragged our cases back up the cliff and into the house. All while the big booming man stood with his arms crossed and a rueful smile on his fat face. Then he started speaking, "The house has a great history you know...(history of house for the last 100 years)...I'll show you to your room...Here's the key..*hands us the largest iron key in the history of the world*...HAHAHA, you won't steal that will you? HAHAHA...A big key has a big keyhole, be careful no one peeks through ladies! *winks*.. HAHAHA...*opens door*..some have said this room is haunted! HAHAHA" this is in from of my 2 kids incidentally and they have started to eye me suspiciously. I try for a reassuring smile and only manage a frightened grimace.

We manage after 15 minutes to shoo him from the room - which was actually very large and had a little adjoining room with a little passageway running between them. It was perfect, my mother and I in one part and the kids in the other, I could see them from my bed. The only problem was that they absolutely refused to sleep in there. I put them to bed and after an hour, my youngest son started talking obsessively about the door in the room which led nowhere. "There’s someone in there mum" this was repeated about 20 times and I started to get a bit freaked out. SO I swapped beds with him. After about an hour, I started wondering where the door led. After another 20 minutes I had to put the light back on and read. I kept hearing footsteps and felt very very uneasy.

I awoke the next morning feeling unrested and generally strange. We headed down to breakfast. There was the big strange man again. He seated us at the main table with a little old polish man, who, after perfunctory introductions, offered to heal my mothers’ broken wrist by channelling the Lord God. The fat, creepy owner stood at the head of our table for our entire meal, arms crossed, chatting about peculiar stuff and then he got onto the subject of the attic. "Oh yeah" he shouted at us as we shovelled eggs down our necks as fast as we could, just to escape "We found loads of Victorian clothing in the attic, one night I put on a top hat and talcum powder on my face and I let myself into the room of a couple of old ladies who were staying here! They woke up and I was looming over them like a ghost" He chuckled "Scream? You never heard such screaming!"

I fixed him with a steely look (this is a lie, I quailed and stammered) and said "Well, we've got to leave in a minute for the wedding, and I've just received a call from my Nan to say we can stay there, so we won't be needing the extra night, thanks"

I have never eaten so fast, got dressed so quickly or packed a bag with such haste. I didn’t care if we had to sleep in the CAR there was no way we were staying there. In the end we cadged a floor of a friend of the family, and I drove back to London like a zombie.

Length? I do not want to know.
( my_cat_has_no_shoes meh meh meh MEH MEH, Thu 17 Jan 2008, 18:57, 2 replies)

Sounds like
the sketch from little britain ("Fiddle-di-dee, Yeeeiiiisssss etc. etc.) except with added menace!

*click*
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Fri 18 Jan 2008, 9:19, closed)

Loud, fat man?
Brian Blessed!
(Musuko, Mon 21 Jan 2008, 12:31, closed)