"Don't be fooled by the price"
Is what the blurb said on the internet. It seemed like way too good a deal but, hey, everyone else out there seems to get good deals on things, why can't I?

About 5 years ago my friend and I decided to go to New York for a long weekend. I was left in charge of sorting out accommodation and as neither of us were particularly flush at the time I was looking at the cheapest accommodation possible. Namely, hostels. Now I've stayed in a fair few hostels in my time, some good, some bad and some really fucking disgusting ones. I wasn't totally enthused about the ones I was seeing on the website until I came across one that had individual rooms. Seen as the guy I was going with was a big fat bastard who was an industrial strength snorer, this seemed like an ideal option. So I booked it.

The day we arrived was actually the day before the U.S. decided that those damn Iraqi's had had it too good for too long and were planning on going over there and bombing the fuck out of their country to teach them all a good lesson. God bless those Yankee bastards.

As we were checking into the hostel the guy at the front desk, on seeing that we were British, asked us what we thought of the war.
"Ummm, imminent" was my response.
"We're going to kick their asses, YEEEHAAAAAA!!!"
"And so you should. Those bastard Iraqi's have done nothing but shit all over you poor Americans for so long, it's time you got your own back. And, say, weren't they the ones that blew up your little tower thingy's?"

We asked if we could pay in full for the four nights we were staying and he looked a bit taken aback. He asked if we were sure. I looked at my friend and he just shrugged. Why wouldn't we want to pay now? We're not planning on staying anywhere else. We probably should have realised something was wrong by the way he rubbed his hands together and the little click of his heels he did as he led us upstairs.

Four flights later he showed us through a door into a room that was about half the size of a football field. Whilst there were individual rooms within this colossus, they were more dividers made out of rizla that stopped a good two feet from where the ceiling started.

As we were shown to our papier mache cells, all I could think was "Don't be fooled by the price." Yeah, right, don't be fooled that this is anything more that a total fucking rip off.

The first night was horrendous. I was next to the communal toilets and could hear, with great clarity, every little squirt, plop and "ahhhhh, that feels so much better." With 50 other people sharing this room there were people coming and going all night. There were buzzing neon lights around the edges that were left on all night giving enough light to perform open heart surgery if that was your wont. And by the sounds coming from next door, I think it was.

If the first night was bad, the second night was far worse. Some natives, who probably had nowhere else to stay, were having a screaming fight about needles which quickly stopped after a sickening crunching noise. And next door the doctor had brought home one of the charming working girls plying her trade just a few doors down. To be fair, the website did say it was close to local amenities.

To make a memorable night all the more unforgettable the guy on the other side decided walking the two feet to the toilet was too much of an ask so instead relieved himself in his bed. When the pool of ammonia enriched piss began to trickle into my room I decided enough was enough. I piled all my possessions onto my bed, sat there rocking with fingers in my ears until morning and then got the fuck out of there with my friend on my heels.

We ended us forking out four times the amount we'd paid for this shithole on another hotel a few blocks up which was infinitely better. And also seemed to have free porn. Result. Until we go the bill the next morning. Cunts.
(Creamy Discharge Freeze Motherstickers, this is a fuck up, Sat 19 Jan 2008, 5:02, Reply)