Oh My Fucksy
Thanks for this b3ta. Yesterday I was wracking my brain for answers and now I can't help but have my memory inundated with a landslide of toe-curling moments featuring yours truly. Lets start with sex related faux pas'.

1. I was an early developer. Now contrary to popular opinion, this is not cool. It means your body is capable of doing things that your mind is not ready to understand or deal with. I hit puberty before anyone had even explained what the hell it was which lead to a whole host of hilariously cringeworthy moments. So, how early did I develop? Well the number one way NOT to find out about puberty is your mother, while you're still so young you're not embarassed about her coming into the bathroom while you're taking a bath, happily exclaiming "Eeeee! You've got little hairs!" while pointing at your naked crotch. Until that moment, I'd never even noticed! I'm not sure I'd even turned ten yet.

2. Without the more grown up sensibility of self-preservation this is not a good thing. When I was eleven I found out the number one way to lose an argument. A slanging match with my mother ended with me calling her selfish.

"Selfish?" She retorted. "You know what's selfish? Jerking off all over your bedsheets and then expecting me to clean them."

Incidentally, the only comeback to this is to claw your ears out and roll around on the floor in agonised and whimpering humiliation.

3. This early development allowed me to lose my virginity at the age of thirteen. Again this sounds a lot cooler than it actually is. (If it helps I only lost my girl virginity, it was an embarassingly long time until I lost my boy virginity which turned out to be the preferred method). Now skip forward a few months to me hearing a word on the telly that I'd never heard before. So, in front of my entire extended family who happened to be visiting at the time, AND despite having already seen and bloody touched one at a stupidly young age I loudly asked "Mum, what's a clitoris?" to the shock and horror of my entire family.

Splendid!

4. Skip to just turning fourteen and my mum is helping me change my sheets when a nifty bit of footwork results in her kicking a well thumbed copy of Asian Babes out from it's hiding place under the bed into full view. She was remarkably cool and just laughed it off while my cheeks burned. At the time I wore glasses and managed to blush so furiously I actually managed to steam them up! I thought that only happened on TV!

5. Having just passed my fourteenth birthday my cousin is getting married and I'm an usher so I'm dragged out to buy a suit. Trying it on, in front of a sales assistant, a crowded shop and several family members who have come to oversee the process my mother again points to my crotch, this time exclaiming: "Eeee! Is that all you down there?" in a loud voice. While I'm hoping the ground will swallow me up she starts telling the family and the sales lady that she'll have to get me 'special pants' to reduce the bulge. Not only did she do this but she then proceeded to tell several people at the wedding that I was wearing 'special pants' without a word of explanation. This lead to the majority of guests thinking they were made of rubber and I had an incontinence problem.

Marvellous!

Oh god, it's no good, I have to stop, I've bitten through my knuckles just writing this. I've got a horrible feeling there's more to come though. How the hell can I still look my mother in the eye?
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Fri 28 Nov 2008, 8:43, 3 replies)

Lovely
I've just spent several jolly minutes laughing like a good at No. 2 there. Have a click
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Fri 28 Nov 2008, 11:50, closed)

Special pants
FTW!
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 1 Dec 2008, 8:03, closed)

no. 2
all women need to save that one in case they expel boy children. I may need to engineer the situation for that line alone.

Also; is it possible to buy "special pants" to compress your willy & bits??
(entry_level_adultette, Mon 1 Dec 2008, 15:44, closed)