Delayed Action Embarrassment Gland
First of all I would like to say that there is nothing like a good cringe is there? I have vicariously cringed in sympathy quite a few times reading these excellent stories.

Unfortunately I am well used to recoiling, wincing, flinching, squirming, and cringing as I have a delayed action embarrassment gland. It’s an actual medical phenomenon. Coupled with my ‘foot in mouth’ syndrome, the results are hideous. Throughout my life I must be responsible for hundreds of ‘hilarious’ stories that have been retold without me being present at my expense, to which I am probably aware of only a small percentage. This being so, I still have a ‘cringe factor’ rating that I regularly apply to my daily situations. In no particular order.

- there was the obligatory ‘caught conducting onanism’ incidents which happened multiple times. The really embarrassing thing was lobbing a used tissue away to the other side of my room, forgetting about it, and then remembering the next day only to be unable to find it. So remembering my responsibility as an author of baby gravy, I excruciatingly asked my mother if she had cleaned up my room, and after throwing away the tissue did she wash her hands because there might be a risk she could get pregnant. The horrifying pause that ensured makes sure that my toes curl at least on a nightly occasion. Cringe factor 10.

- At the end of a house party when people were leaving to go to clubs, I tried my hand at chatting up a girl who had her coat on over her shoulders with the coat arms dangling. I made an uproariously funny joke that her mother must have taken thalidomide when she was pregnant. Mistaking her shocked silence with ignorance, I then went on to raucously explain my joke, unaware until later that her younger brother was profoundly deaf in one ear, and was missing his right arm due to…you guessed it. Cringe factor 11.

- I was away at a conference at a fancy golf club, and got roaringly drunk on the oodles of free booze because I was bored and didn’t really know anyone. During dinner, I vomited ‘secretly’ into my napkin and left it on an empty chair. Then Lenny Henry came on as the ‘entertainment’, and started heckling the audience because there weren’t any black people in the crowd. I started shouting back saying that everyone was racist in the room except myself. Then someone coming over to talk to me (to tell me to shut the fuck up) made to sit down on the vomit napkin chair, picked up the vomit napkin, realised what it was, and asked if it was mine. I said no and said it was the girl next to me in a loud exaggerated drunken whisper. She said that it was mine and she had seen me being sick. Fuck. Incidentally all of the above is extrapolation and based on what people told me in the weeks that followed from the initial vomiting in the napkin part. Also I think Lenny Henry got the wrong end of the stick as his agent sent me an email banning me from any future performances of his. Cringe factor 88.

- Going on a works do where I ate loads of raw fish and shit loads of saké at a Japanese restaurant and loudly explaining that I thought my boss was ‘fucking brilliant’ and then starting to cry because I was so happy. Then I bowked rich white raw marinated fish all over the table. I was told what happened by my boss as I didn’t remember beyond sitting down at the table. Cringe factor 7.

- Falling asleep on my girlfriends couch whilst her whole family watched some inane ITV thing. My girlfriend woke me up because I was stretching my erection against my jeans pointing towards the TV with her family looking on. Cringe factor 9.

I am sure I have some more stories stashed away so I will return.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Fri 28 Nov 2008, 10:07, 5 replies)

click...
I am very ill in bed, suffering from what I think is my first real bout of actual flu, and that post has cheered me up no end. Even though it hurts like fuck to laugh due to my ravaged lungs, I cannot stop myself. The bit about Lenny Henry's agent emailing you is worth winning this QOTW on its own.

Bravo, and thank you.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Fri 28 Nov 2008, 10:31, closed)

These are great.
Sounds like you need to lay off the sauce a bit tho :)
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sat 29 Nov 2008, 7:56, closed)

Too true
In my youth I was a veritable drunkard and louse. Now I suppose, I am just a louse.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Sat 29 Nov 2008, 13:01, closed)

?
Lenny Henry, wasn't he a comedian in the olden days?
(kitescreech still here, Sat 29 Nov 2008, 12:02, closed)

Apparently so.
I have had rumours that he also used to amusing but I have dismissed these rumours out of hand for lack of proof.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Sat 29 Nov 2008, 13:00, closed)