Bonfire Night
I have a slight problem with long silences in mixed company. In fact in any company, long silences generally make me incredibly uneasy, a little bit sweaty (in a sexy way :p) and most importantly, a little bit desperate! So, this little quirk of mine has landed me in trouble more than several times.. If a silence goes on too long I feel I have to fill it! And, generally in my semi-panicked state the only thing I can think of to fill this awkward silence is not to point at the corner and yell "Hey look an Elephant!" oh no it is not.. I generally open my mouth and recite the foulest joke I know..


Moving on to the actual story. I shall set the scene a little. It's bonfire night (yay!), or at least in and/or around the date. My mother has a bonfire party every year on the nearest saturday to November 5th. It's awesome, we build a great fire in the garden, set off fireworks, get tiddly on mulled cider and beer and eat sausages and drink soup from cups and generally lark about outside until well into the wee hours. It's a little cold but it's really good fun!

This particular year there were quite a few guests. My entirely family (a fair size in themselves) were, amongst others, joined by an old Irish family friend in his 60s (Irish Chris), my mother's best friend (also in her 60s) and my brother's wife + her parents (ex SAS guy and his diminuitive but amazingly dominant welsh wife).

All is well! Apart from whenever my brother's wife or her mother open their mouths. My brother's mother in law bought herself a Ladyship and she is serious about it. We have to call her Lady now.. Yes! Anyway. All is lovely until that fateful moment around the bonfire at about 1.30am when, oh noes! the big Silence hits like a bowling ball to the nuts.

I endure it for a little while, nobody else seems to notice me squirming away in discomfort on my chair and they all stare pensively into the fire. So eventually, after what seemed like an eternity of waiting for someone to end my torment I open my mouth with "Oh hey guys I have this GREAT joke!" Oh no... So I procede to tell this joke about vampires and a bar..

I reach my punch line after a long and elabourate joke telling, it was beautiful I tell you, and gleefully chuckle to myself before realising what I'd just said. Irish Chris was wetting himself laughing, my dad laughed politely but you could tell he didn't understand the joke.., my siblings are all looking horrified, my brother's father in law got out one hearty part of a laugh before being slapped in the face by his militant wife and then followed a looooong silence punctuated by the sounds of an old irish man wetting himself slowly, until one of my brothers cleared his throat and remarked "Well darras. I think you just managed to hit a new social low."


Cringe.. Sorry mum.


EDIT : Seeing as the multitudes requested it. Here is a condensed version. If I were to write everything I said that night (even if I could remember it all) it could well end up being several pages considering my character development and friendly banter/conversation additions.


Three vampires walk into a bar, they find a table and sit down. The first, with a sly nod at his fellows saunters over to the bar with a casual swagger. Leaning at a jaunty angle he winks at the bartender and orders a pint of blood. The bartender looks a bit puzzled before replying "Sorry mate, we don't serve blood here. But we have a whole range of ales on tap here, pilsners and spirits. Whatever you'd like." So the vampire straightens up, sighs and orders a pint of stella and some peanuts. He takes this back to the table where he slumps down folornly.
The second vampire stands up a little nervously, straightening down his cape he edges his way to the bar where he nervously stutters his way through an order for a pint of blood. The bar tender shakes his head firmly, "Sorry mate, as I told your friend we don't serve blood here. You'll have to settle for beer or spirits or any of our vast non alcoholic selection." The second vampire sighs like the first and settles for a Vodka and orange and a packet of crisps. He takes this back to the table, shrugs and sits back with his colleague.
Now the third vampire is beginning to look a little cocky, "Hang on lads, I'll be back in a jiffy!" He quips as he strolls to the bar, "Hello my good man!" He opens confidently, "May I trouble you for a cup of hot water?" The barman, having expected yet another request for blood smiles in relief and fetches the hot water without comment. The third vampire thanks the barman and takes his water back to the table.
As he sits his friends peer into the cup and sneer with contempt. "Bah! Call yourself a vampire. You didn't even TRY to get blood!" They cried! "Ahhh" Replied Vampire number 3 with a knowing little smile as he reached deep into his cape pocket and pulls out a used tampon, "I brought my own!"
(darras jeg har en grevling i hodet. Grevling, grevlang, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 14:40, 7 replies)

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tell us the joke then...
(Madam Cholet, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 15:23, closed)

Seeing as you ask so nice like..
I tell myself on numerous occasions that it could have been so much worse. Although I was merely 18 then and not yet into the full swing of revolting joke telling.

Yet consider, my parents are old and although most jolly, very stuck in their ways. The worst cuss word that was ever used by my parents was 'Hell'. And my dad treated that word as so dreadful that none of us ever tried anything more foreful in case it broke his heart.
(darras jeg har en grevling i hodet. Grevling, grevlang, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 16:30, closed)

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Thanks for adding it, it made me chuckle and was much tamer than I expected.
(Madam Cholet, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 20:51, closed)

Pffft.
That's what they got upset over?!? Sheesh, I was told that joke when I was 13!

Hell, I told worse ones to my dad this past weekend...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 2 Dec 2008, 17:33, closed)

I guess I'm lucky then as I learned many a dirty joke from my mother while I was still quite young.
I still remember the first one. I believe it was "What is the definition of a virgin?".........'An ugly 3rd grader" (which would be a kid that is about 9 years old).

I was 10 when she told me that one.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Wed 3 Dec 2008, 2:55, closed)

In that case..
I apologise for being tame and will retreat back into lurkerdom.
(darras jeg har en grevling i hodet. Grevling, grevlang, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 14:14, closed)

Tame
It's not you that's tame, it's your family. . .
(devotched, Thu 4 Dec 2008, 7:54, closed)