How to attract women
It started down the swimming pool. As I pootled around the shallow end, I clapped eyes on her for the first time - a vision of older blonde loveliness in a tiny yellow bikini - and I was in love. Over the following weeks, my passion for mature blondes in postage-stamp bikinis grew, and I decided that I must - somehow - have one of my own. Acutely aware of my own immaturity, I knew from the outset that actually speaking to one of these angels was out of the question, so I opted for another, more drastic cunning plan.

Kidnap.

My cunning plan was cunning in the extreme: I would sit on my bike at the top of the hill on our 70s concrete housing estate until a blonde goddess appeared. Then, I would swoop down, gather her up, take her behind the communal bins and force her to wear a yellow postage stamp bikini while I stutted up and down. Foolproof, I am sure you will agree.

It was as I swooped down the hill on a trial run (the target being an unfortunate cat which had sidled out of a hedge), that I realised I was doomed to failure, mainly due to a number of factors which are now utterly obvious:

1. The target is unwilling to be scooped up and will run away, causing you to fall off your bike and end up covered in blood, snot and sick

2. My bike had three wheels

3. I was six years old

I look back through the filter of the years with a burning sense of shame
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 12:21, 6 replies)

Have I told you lately that I love you?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 12:37, closed)

So what you're saying
is that you were at the pool, oggling 10 year old girls?

The nonce police from /OT will be all over this one.
(username failed moderation, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:04, closed)

Ha ha!
We're talking Will's Hot Mum From The Inbetweeners here
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:10, closed)

bike bike?

( real i'm not happy 'til you're not happy, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:44, closed)

Now with Ninja Edit
Ta
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 15:06, closed)

Imagine that instead of the office, it's a cycle shop.
And instead of human, you're all bicycles.
And the female one is very free with her affections.

Or something.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 16:56, closed)

i once had a bike that i shared with a mate
it was dubbed 'fuck me ol' boots.'
i can't remember why.
( real i'm not happy 'til you're not happy, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 22:33, closed)