Tech support
I used to be team leader of the UK Corel helpdesk - that meant Corel Draw, and Wordperfect. It was great. I knew absolutely fuck all about any of them. I'd never even used Corel Draw. Wordperfect when it was 5.1, but none of yer fancy WYSIWYG stuff (ask yer Dad).

However, my team did. They were great. They had 2 weeks training on Corel's entire product line and then stuck straight on to the front line. That was what our company did, and believe me, you learn your shit FAST. I cut my teeth on Windows 95 when it came out. I had seen it the week before and just blagged it. Believe me, in a week or 2 you know it inside out so dont worry kids, if youre calling tech support, there are good ones.

Anyway, I got away with not knowing it - a bit like in the film where Leonardo Di Caprio pretends to be a doctor - you just deflect all the questions either back to the asker, or another team member. Worst comes to it, you offer to talk them through it, and all you do is make them explain things logically, and you guide them through with a little bit of blag.

But the day came where I had to take a call. There was no alternative. My little minion had been struggling all morning with a difficult customer, I could tell from his body language that he was stuck. I watched him hang his headset round his neck and turn round to get my attention. I ignored him, seemingly engrossed in the call centre telephone stats system. Eventually he unplugged the headset and came over. I looked up, and saw in his eyes that he was beat.

"Put him through then".

The relief in his eyes warmed me for a second. I'd actually become a manager for a second.

"Erm coke, theres something you should know..." BEEEEEEP... call had been transferred to my line. I picked up.

"Good aftern..."

"Who der FACKIN ELL IS VIS CAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT?"

Oh my god. It's the entire cast of lock stock and two smoking barrels all rolled into one giant cockney.

Did I mention I fucking hate cockneys? Thieving gypsy bastards. Any race of people that produced Barbara Windsor and EastEnders should be exterminated.

My minion had leaned over my keyboard and logged me in to the CRM, and called up this guys records.

The cockney verbal barrage continued, it was just a blur of incomprehensible eastenders gibberish and I couldnt make out a word of it. I wasnt listening. I was staring at the screen. I looked at the minion. I looked back at the screen. I looked at the minion. I raised an eyebrow almost imperceptibly. Not that subtle, as the minion furiously nodded back, confirming my deepest darkest fears.

The name on the record was the only thing I could see. I did one of those zoom things where the lens zooms in, but the camera pulls back - you'd know it if you saw it.

Frank Warren. Frank FAHHHKIN Warren.

Fuck. I have to fix Frank Warrens - let me check - oh fuck - Corel Draw 7 problem.

You know when youre in the airport and you've been there for hours and all the tannoy announcements have merged into the background and youve nodded off, but the second they mention your flight you jump up?

That happened. Despite still staring in horror at the minon and my screen, my unconscious picked out the words "General Protection error in GDI.EXE". Well, the actual phrase was "wotsis FAKKING general you fahkin waht Protect shun erros CAANT in G fackin D fackin I FACKING CANTING dot fackin E bollocks X CAHNTING E bollock then you MAPPET?"

Over the years I've found I can solve almost any technical support problem almost instantly. People come to me with a problem, and in a few seconds I usually blurt out the answer - its not a guess, I can logically work through the problem, factor in a hundred different system possibilities and it just jumps to the front of my mind - its just experience. But in a heartbeat my mind jumped to Graphics Drivers.
I knew that would be it.

Focussed, I turned my attention and said "Mr Warren, can you do this for me please." in a tone that didn't imply I was asking. I talked him through the process of dropping down the screen res and number of colours, and guess what? Problem solved. Or at least went away.

"Youre a FAKKING genius" he shouted. "Sorry abaht callin you a CAHNT and that, its just, well, this fing pissed me RITE OFF if you knaaaa what I mean an that".

He rang off and I was elated. I wasnt going to get killed by Frank Warren. I knew the man had been shot in the past. Who knew what might send him over the edge. A dodgy graphics driver just might.

From that point on, Frank asked for me. Every time. No messin. "straight fru to the gavnor" every time.

I figured out Corel Draw pretty fucking quickly after that. Nothing like a bit of motivation.

Still dont like cockneys though. Sorry Cockneys.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 4 Sep 2008, 23:03, 7 replies)

...those zoom things where the lens zooms in, but the camera pulls back...
...that special effect is called a "Dolly Zoom" - more about them at

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dolly_zoom

First developed by Irmin Roberts, a Paramount second-unit cameraman, and was famously used by Alfred Hitchcock in his film Vertigo, apparently...
( Amos E Wolfe makes vinyl signs and things like that, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 0:06, closed)

he was a client
of my first firm when i was a trainee. we handled an attempt to float one of his companies on AIM.

nothing about that experience takes away from anything you have said about him or cockneys.

carry on, coke!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 0:14, closed)

having been to london many times
i can also say that i hate cockneys.
and eastenders.
and london.
you, on the other hand, get a *click*
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 0:32, closed)

Sorry, but
who is Frank Warren?
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 11:54, closed)

im assuming the boxing promoter
no?
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 13:03, closed)

You say
Frank Warren like we're supposed to know who that is.

Wow; that sounded really pompous.
( gareth_alien will be human again at, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 15:44, closed)

^ Which is why google was invented :)
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frank_Warren_(promoter)
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 16:58, closed)