Things complaint handlers wish they could say ...
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Working for a large organisation as a complaint handler brings you into contact with an amusing variety of customers. Most have genuine complaints, we apologise nicely, ensure the error is corrected, and usually send them a little "goodwill gesture". Or some tatty old flowers, depending on the budget.

Unfortunately, a proportion refuse to let it end there. Given free reign, the complaint handlers could easily ensure they took their business elsewhere with a few short sentences.

"Sorry, your file had a late-night visit from the fuck-up fairy. You may not be aware of how difficult fuck-up dust is to remove - trust me, its bloody sticky stuff."

"It appears that you have a little too much spare time on your hands. May I suggest some appropriate hobbies? Bull-fighting is a grand way to see the world, with a regular adrenalin-kick thrown in. Climbing Mount Everest without oxygen would certainly give you something to boast about down the British Legion. Or perhaps a short holiday to Afghanistan? "

"I was always led to believe that only God never made a mistake. Apparently, you are the only other creature in the history of the earth who never made a "whoops" at some point. Congratulations - you truly are the pinnacle of evolution."

"I resent your repeated insistence that you "pay my wages". Believe me, your paltry investment wouldn't go anywhere near supporting my coke habit, and let's not mention my losses on the gee-gees."

"Your letter to the CEO has been passed to me because, quite frankly, the man's too busy running the company (and shagging his PA on the side) to give a flying fuck about a tiny error some underpaid drone made while typing your address. I mean, you got the fucking letter, didn't you? Get over it."

Sadly, I'll never be allowed to put any of this on letterheaded paper. If I ever win the Lottery (unlikely as I seldom remember to buy a ticket) I will sneak into the office very early and reply to all the complaints as above. Or maybe I'll write the shorter version ...

Dear Sir/Madam

Fuck off.

Yours etc



The CEO



and I'll sign his name in purple crayon!

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(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Fri 5 Sep 2008, 19:51, 1 reply)

With of course
a CDC for good measure!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 20:06, closed)