my one and only night as a glass collector
picture the scene; it's summer in the early '90's, hot and sultry with not a breath of wind. i'd sat in uncomfortable stickiness, wishing for air conditioning, whilst my mother got ready for her shift in the local club. due to the oppressive heat, i may even have dozed.
after giving me a quick kiss on the cheek(i'm almost 34 now, she still does it), mum left for her 6 hours in the booze mines. i settled down for an evening of crap t.v.

half an hour later, my reverie was rudely interrupted by the telephone. it was mum's boss, in something of a state. it seems that four of his glass collectors had gone out the previous night for someone's birthday and now were all struck down by the 'flu. ken dodd was performing at the club that night, it was a complete sell-out, but he had only one glass collector left. could i possibly fill in?
i thought about this. i'd never worked in a pub or club before, but i knew that glass collecting was simplicity itself and i was familiar with the layout of the place. also, i was skint and bored. i agreed, telling him i would be there within 20 minutes. he informed me that i would have to wear black and only black.
unfortunately, on this swelteringly hot evening, i was going to have to run around a packed-out club all night in the only black clothes i had that were both clean and ironed: ski pants and a roll-necked jumper(sweater).
nevertheless, i had given my word, so off i set.

it was hard work that night, the main room, where mr. dodd was performing, is on 3 levels. i had to run up and down the stairs all night collecting glasses, then down even more stairs to the kitchen to fill ice buckets, then back up the stairs to deposit said ice buckets onto each bar. staff drinks were free, but only soft drinks were permitted. these helped to cool me off temporarily, but i still felt as though i was melting. by 9p.m, my smile was a grimace and my head was throbbing.

after a 5-minute smoko, mum tells me to fetch the empties from the balcony bar area. sighing, i trudged up the stairs and began to collect glasses.
towards the end of the balcony area was a large table. seated around it were 2 of the regulars and their wives. there was quite a collection of empty glasses on their table, so i started to pick them up.
"oi, what do you think you're doing?" one of the men asks angrily.
"collecting the empty glasses" i reply, as if it isn't obvious. customer/utter titbox points at the pint glass in my hand. "do you call that empty?" he asks. "there's at least quarter of a pint left in there! put it down!" i looked at the glass, in which about 3 drops of warm beer were huddling together. "there's only a few drops in it." i said. "don't you want me to clear the table?"
"NO!" he roars. "I PAID FOR THAT DRINK, I'LL SAY WHEN IT'S FINISHED! GO AWAY!"
ignoring the other empties strewn about the table, i walked back downstairs to the main bar.
"mum, barry won't let me take his empty glasses, he says they're not empty." "don't worry," says mum, "he's always like that, he'll take them to the balcony bar himself." satisfied, i continued in my drudgery.

several hours later, an exhausted smash is rounding up the last of the glasses as the stragglers are being gently but firmly ushered out. last port of call is the balcony bar area.
there weren't many glasses left to collect at this point. that is, until i got to barry's table.
there were glasses covering every square inch of tabletop. there were glasses under the table. there were glasses under the chairs. there were glasses on the chairs. there was what appeared to be at least 3 packets of crisps tipped out under the table. there was beer in the ashtray.
i was not pleased. i got 47 glasses from their table and its surrounding environment, most of them with more drink left in them than the first one i had tried to take away.

that wasn't the worst of it. barry the wank-biscuit had complained about me to the boss, saying i was trying to take his drinks when he'd "only had a sip or two out of them, honestly!"

even worse than this was when time came to be paid. for 5 hours of hot, uncomfortable, irritating and extremely tiring work, my mother's twat of a boss wanted to pay me...





...£5.

yes, you read that right. a measly fiver.
when i realised he wasn't joking, i let rip with the finest torrent of abuse i have ever been able to muster. i would gladly have paid £50 just to have him stand there and take it, which he did.
i still only ended up with £10(after my mum had a go at him too), but to this day, if anyone starts on me, the boss will shake his head and say "don't bother, you'll never win against her."

length? over 20 years he's had that club, nobody else has ever put him in his place! :D
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 16:18, 9 replies)

Ugh
That's horrible-crappy customers, tight boss, Ken Dodd-all of it! Glad you gave the bloke a piece of your mind though- *sympathy clicks*
(Ella Mentree, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 16:54, closed)

I started off as a glass collector
and the "OI MY DRINKS NOT FINISHED" thing makes me want to slap people round the face.
( KernKraft Gosh, there isn't much noise outside today, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 17:05, closed)

I've encountered some over-eager glass collectors before
Surely it's just easier to say "Easy tiger!" and be polite?
( jim_bob can herd cats., Sat 6 Sep 2008, 18:23, closed)

@piston-broke
i tried being polite. i was smiling and everything! he's an ex-copper, a fact which he uses to treat people like shit wherever he goes. nobody likes him, but god help me, i tried.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 21:06, closed)

@kernkraft
i wish i could have! he was giving me dirty looks all night, the tosser.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 21:08, closed)

Rotten customers
I used to work in a holiday camp bar, to the regulars there it was obvious I was new, and one of the dolled up tarts asked me how it was going.

I said, "not so bad...blahh...blahh" generally being polite etc...

then she said, "how do you get on with that till system?"

So I said, "yeah, it took of getting used to, in fact, my till was down 5 quid last night, I must have got it wrong and given more change than I should have."

Off she toddles.

10 mins later I get called into the 'office' (a skanky sweat and beer smelling room" with the 'head of security' and the bar manager.

I had no idea why at the time, so said "alright?" to the bar manager.

"No I'm fucking not" he says, and the twat head of security starts to square up to me.

Bear in mind, I was 18, first time working in a bar (and this one was about 15 deep in people pretty much all the time) and probably a bit nervous it being only my second night.

Something happened and I just snapped. I pushed the fat cunt of a security 'guard' out of the way, and demanded to know what the bar managers problem was.

He told me I had caused a "security breach", when pushed, it transpired that me telling the mutton-dressed-as-lamb woman about my till being down by a fiver was a security breach.

I punched him square in the jaw.

Wasn't sacked. In face stayed there all summer, the bar manager was fine after that.

I think even he realised it was fuck all and the 'security guard' I had been grassed up to was a complete fucknut jobsworth who needed to feel important once in his life.

I do feel sorry for hitting the bar manager though, it should have been the fat security guard.

I was feisty then.
(dchurch bah, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 21:28, closed)

security breach???
ffs, that security guard SERIOUSLY needed to get laid!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 21:53, closed)

Oh my
Yeah I did glass collecting one Xmas, one of those chicken in a basket places. Most customers were fine, the worse lot were coppers; I have NEVER seen so many people so pissed; and would any of them let me have their glasses? Ugh, not worth the money.
(kitescreech still here, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 8:21, closed)

i thought it was just barry
i didn't realise coppers were bad customers as a rule
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 22:36, closed)