Two pints of lager and you can fuck right off...
It’s 9pm. I have at least 3 more hours till I can go and die quietly in a corner. This is my 3rd double shift of the week behind the bar and the pittance I’ll earn barely covers my taxi home, a taxi I have to get as the bar manager seems to makes sure that I have to work until 1 minute after the last bus leaves. I’m fat, tired, sweaty and very, very pissed off.
So when on returning to the bar after having changed a barrel and grabbed a crate of mixers to restock the fridge, I was overjoyed to see a queue 10 deep waiting to be served. Waiting because the bar manager was half way through his 2nd bottle of red of the evening and was too busy regaling his cronies with totally fictitious stories of his time spent in a Turkish prison to get off his arse and actually do the job he was being paid for.
I staggered past him, carrying my crate of tonic water. As I rest the crate on the edge of the bar I hear a slurred West Country voice pipe up, “Oi moi luvver, should you be carryin’ thaa’ in your condition?”
“What condition would that be, you festering sore on the arse of humanity? (*)”
“Well, Oi’d say you were at least 5 months gone.”
Note to patrons. It does not endear you to bar staff if you ask them whether they are pregnant. Not when in fact, they are just fat (**). In fact, can I recommend that you never ask a woman whether she is pregnant unless you can actually see a baby coming out of her at the particular moment.
I served the inbred retard his pint of ‘thorn with a smile. Then went and cried in the cellar.
I think I’m allergic to the general public.

(*) Last part of sentence may not have been said out loud.
(**) Not so much fat as ‘a little heavy for flight’.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Mon 8 Sep 2008, 10:37, 7 replies)

Hahaha!
I like this.
*grins*

I had a mate who got rather drunk one night and said to a girl in a club "Are you sure you should be smoking in your condition?"...

Silly boy...
( Cawl, Mon 8 Sep 2008, 10:39, closed)

I'm guessing
that this was a while back, as the bash photos don't exactly make you look overweight at all.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 8 Sep 2008, 10:45, closed)

K2K6
Twas indeed a few years ago when I was fairly overweight. It was a combination of crappy shiftwork, living on flapjacks and not doing any exercise. As soon as I got a postdoc position I started running and fencing and lost 3 stone. I'm thinking of writing "The Thermodynamics Diet" - eat less, move more...
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Mon 8 Sep 2008, 10:49, closed)

Fencing?
Can't see you with a forehammer whacking posts into the ground somehow :)

But you're right about the diet. It's a simple energy equation.

If energy from food consumed is greater than energy expended by movement etc, then you put on weight. If it's less, you lose weight.

Dieting? Piece of piss.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 8 Sep 2008, 11:06, closed)

Fencing
Oh yeah, I'm available for all manner of light building work and dry stone wall construction. :)

Hey, we should deffo write a diet book. What with us being doctors and all. I mean, it worked for that rachet faced harridan McKeith...
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Mon 8 Sep 2008, 11:11, closed)

Aye, and we're proper doctors
with PhDs and all.

Actually, my dieting was even simpler than yours. It was simply:

Eat less.

I only started exercising once I'd lost weight, because otherwise I'd have been a fat blob bobbing around in the swimming pool out of breath.

Instead I was a thin, incredibly unfit thing flailing around out of breath, and unable to float well due to increased body density.

Nowadays of course I am a toned, efficient, athletic swimmer who barely breaks into a sweat over 40 lengths.

Last sentence may contain elements of hyperbole.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 8 Sep 2008, 11:39, closed)

Can't picture it myself
Having met you, i can't imagine you as "a little heavy for flight". I really must investigate this dieting lark as I haven't seen the lighter side of 15st for some years now!

Have a click (if it's not too fattening)
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Mon 8 Sep 2008, 21:35, closed)