Not a Library
I used to work in a petrol station and I guess that's where I met my worst customer. It was a dark, rainy night in 2002 and a man comes in with a beanie hat and a coat done up right round his mouth. He's carrying a tesco carrier bag and judging by his walk and his face (the bit I can see) being red, I guessed he was drunk. We were located between two pubs so quite often we got drunken proles coming in for the cheapest fags we did. The following took place (ad verbatum):

Man: Mggrrfrrmmpfrmgp

Me: Sorry?

Man: Mgrfrgrhrekrhremp!

Me: Could you pull your coat down? I can't hear what you're saying.

[Man pulls down his coat and lifts up the carrier bag. He'd cut a hole in the bottom of the bag and inside was a sawnoff shotgun]

Man: Give me the fucking money

Me: Oh, right

[I put my hands up in the air, then realised I'm supposed to do that AFTER I give him the money. It's amazing how your brain treats the whole thing like a scene in a movie. I empty the till into his holdall, even picking up stray coppers that had fallen on the floor. I am a meticulous robbery victim].

Man: You got any more?

Me: No, honest. Well there's the safe but I don't know the code or anything. (God, I'm crap at this).

[Man looks at me with absolute disgust and leaves].

So, if you're thinking of robbing someone, don't rob me. I'm bloody awful at it.

As a side note, I was told there was a silent alarm under the counter. I tried going for it at one point but decided that keeping my lungs was worth more than the 600 or so quid in the till. After he left I pressed it and the place lit up like fucking Vegas. There were bells, whistles, you name it. I was half expecting a dancing troupé to come in through the door. I still think to this day if I'd pressed that button I would have been splattered all over the cheap fags and drink behind me. As it stands, I survived and I can bore you all with this story :-)
(GONEism, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 16:45, 11 replies)

Cripes.
A click for thee.

I agree with your assertions. There is little for which I would risk my life, none of it based around my employers (much as I like it here).
(ThomsonsPier consumes, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 16:49, closed)

You, my dear
Are the best thing to come out of Newbie Tuesday in a long time.
( Cawl, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 16:52, closed)

click from me too
Silent alarm eh? Was it US made?
( Peej, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 16:53, closed)

Newbie Tuesday?
Please tell me someone's parodied Ruby Tuesday already...
(GONEism, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 16:54, closed)

Yup, got robbed in a fast food place once
Robber - "give me the money"

Me - "ok - kerching"

It's not about cowardice. It wasn't my money.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 16:57, closed)

*click*
and and an echo of similar sentimentality.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 16:58, closed)

Newbie Tuesday
is so named because that's when the new posters who've signed up over the previous week are allowed to post for the first time. It's also why you have L plates by your name- they'll be gone next Tuesday.

Welcome aboard.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 9 Sep 2008, 17:06, closed)

I agree with m'colleagues
You have some good tales - but I have to warn you....

...I think you've got Monkey Rapture.

All the tell-tale signs are there.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 17:31, closed)

Monty my dear fellow
you are a man after my own heart

if we can make this an internet thing I will be incredibly happy.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 17:51, closed)

you get a click
for getting through it and sharing with us.

Well done on your survival instincts.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 9 Sep 2008, 18:54, closed)

*applauds*

I give you a clicky for being so shite at being robbed :)

As serious as your story was I couldnt help by drawing attention to myself giggling in the office while reading your well told tale!
( Jimmer still not dead at, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 5:34, closed)