My father and DIY part 2
In the manner of a chirpy Irish comedian "there's more".
*gestures audience closer while smiling inanely*

Power Showers

My father announced over breakfast that we absolutely had to have a power shower installed. This device would change our lives for the better immeasurably, judging from the manner in which he enthused about his latest project.

The look on my mother's face was a mixture of fear and trepidation. She knew how the next 24 hours would pan out.

Sure enough, within three hours my father had returned from the local Texas superstore (nee Marley, with its rows upon rows of tools, paint, curtain rails and tungsten tipped screws left untouched save for new corporate price labels) with a "Heatrae Power Shower" with more dials than Mr Spocks alarm clock.

Such an instrument would surely dispense warm water under pressure in ingenious ways, much to my father's delight. The Black & Decker was pulled out of the shed and the drilling started.

The Saturday actually went well, with only a very few utterances of "Shit!" and "You bastard!". Of course, he'd failed to take into account the difference of microns in the diameter of the copper pipes he was attempting to join but by teatime everything was installed. By jove it worked.

I remember standing under this device with all the enthusiasm of a French aristocrat meeting Msr Robespierre. However, it did indeed dispense warm water under pressure.

Six weeks later, my father wandered into the bathroom for his shower and I heard him whistle as the shower ran.

*BANG!*

I jumped with a start. The noise had come from the bathroom where my dad was soaked in water.

*SPARKS and general arcing noises*

I had to do something... This was my father after all.

"What the BLOODY hell... SHIT!" exlaimed my dad from underneath the charred plastic.

He'd been lucky. The wiring had caused the unit to explode quite spectacularly, judging by the sooty deposits on the tiles around the melted shower.

Undeterred, he had another unit installed within a week. So far as I know it's still working although I fear for the occupants of our old house sometimes.

Lack of Bedroom Co-ordination

Upon returning from a happily DIY free nine months in Cape Town, the PJM clan discovered that the family home had been rented out to students instead of the "Smart, business couple" the estate agent had promised us. As a result, Dad had all the moral justification he needed to embark on his latest home improvement blitzkrieg.

I returned home from school to find my mum looking shellshocked and making tea while my Dad was upstairs in the bedroom whistling in his usual off-key manner. What's wrong?

"Better go see your father" she replied with as much of a smirk as she dared.

I duly climbed the stairs and went to see what he was up to.

Oh my.

He'd chosen to paint the room with two walls in a shade I christened "Harem Purple" and the other two walls were finished in a fetching hue of "Battleship Grey". Thank fuck I didn't have to sleep in that room, only the First Lord of the Admiralty would feel at home there.

He'd reason for his colour madness though, for he'd gone and bought several wall units and wardrobes in a fashionable grey finish. These units are instrumental to the story however.

Three solid days of swearing, drilling, cursing and sweating later the wall units were fitted above the bed. However, an awful truth began to dawn...

Despite the wall units having a scant inch at either end space and thus for once my father's measurements proved accurate he'd neglected to remember something important. The units protruded from the wall by three feet. In doing so they also obscured three feet of bedroom window.

Nice one Dad.

Six months later, we had new double glazing fitted. The builders were instructed to build a three foot wide wall on the enge of my parents' bedroom window before a narrower window was itself installed.

Looking back from the end of the garden, our house was the only one in the street with a squint.

Water Softeners

For reasons unknown, Dad had another bright idea on his way home from work one evening. We needed a water softener.

Logic be damned! Despite living in a soft water area, a water softener was urgently required and I strongly suspect that a mineral tasting cup of tea might have been the catalyst here.

Returning home from school in the spring of 1987, I find my Dad kneeling in the hallway cupboard sportiing a pale stripe of arse-cleavage daintily revealed to the street. Bits of copper pipe everywhere and a large plastic box with a set of instructions left on top.

"SHIT!"

I idly picked up the printed document and read the front page:

"Warning. This water softener should only be installed by qualfied persons. Failure to observe this condition will invalidate your warranty"

"What the bloody hell..." *more off-key whistling*

I walked into the kitchen to see my mother ashen faced and descaling the kettle. Had she read the instructions? Yes. How much had this thing cost us? A couple of grand (in 1987!). Why? Dad's tea had been off colour of late.

"PJM!" came an irritated yell

"PJM! Come here when I call you!" I had roughtly 0.1 of a second to respond to the first plaintive yell apparently.

I handed over bits of copper elbow joints and lengths of wire.

"Shit!"

I found an excuse to disappear to see a friend and returned two hours later.

"Shit!"

Despite the water softener being sited in the hallway shoe cupboard, Dad had for some bizarre reason removed some of the floorboards on the landing and my parents bedroom.

24 hours without flushing or showering later, the water supply was deemed to be working. I took a sip of tap water from the sink.

It. Tasted. The. Fucking. Same.

That week I recall an awful lot of swearing when I returned from school and on the Friday was startled to note the presence of an unfamiliar face in the hallway cupboard.

Turned out he was a plumber.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 25 Nov 2010, 13:36, 1 reply)

NEVER DRINK SOFTENED WATER
Very high levels of sodium. Heart disease.

Nice stories btw
(mersault, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 14:09, closed)