SCUMBAG
Moments after shooting my load.

I slid out of bed and did a sexy little dance in the dark in front of my girlfriend, Liz, culminating in me pulling the used spunksack off my sticky middle wicket with a gooey plop and spinning it in the air for a bit like a horny cheerleader twirling a rancid, salty, cum-splattered floppy baton. Liz told me to stop pissing about and get back in bed, so I chucked the scumbag over my shoulder and dived back between the sheets, safely nuzzled between her small but perfectly formed chesticles.

The next morning we had breakfast, showered and left heading back down to London – we were staying at my parents house for a long weekend and they drove us down to the train station. We said our goodbyes and boarded the train. Moments after the train had chugged out of Chesterfield, Liz asks: “Did you tidy up before we left?” She was terrified of leaving behind any suggestion that she was getting a good hard knobbing every night in my parents spare bedroom. I nodded: “’Course I did,” I lied. We had an early morning train to catch and the post cotial CSI-style cleanup had completely slipped my mind. I assumed she’d got rid of the evidence we were violating holy Catholic law, as the used nodder was nowhere to be seen.

Oh well, I thought, sometimes they just seem to disappear into thin air.

About an hour into the journey south I heard Bomb Track by Rage Against the Machine go off in my pocket, much to the annoyance of the floppy-haired indie cunt sat opposite. I’d received a text message. I pulled my phone out, it was from my mum. It read:

Spanky, the next time you visit can you please not deposit anything nasty on the ceiling? I’ve had your father attacking it with a broom for the last half hour with no joy – he’s too short. We’re going to have to borrow a step ladder from next door. Love to you and Liz, Mum x

“Anything important?” Liz enquired.

“Just mum and dad wishing us a safe journey...”
( SpankyHanky, Mon 27 Jul 2009, 15:24, 7 replies)

You sick, sick man.
Wins, though -click-
(Tiktock Beating off flamers with a shitty stick, Mon 27 Jul 2009, 16:32, closed)

"sticky middle wicket"
gets a click from me ;o)
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Mon 27 Jul 2009, 16:57, closed)

Reminds me...
..of when I lived at home, the dog removed a used johnny from my bin and left in at the bottom of the stairs for my mum to find.

The joys of posh wanking.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Mon 27 Jul 2009, 16:57, closed)

Excellent
Hahaha! - Makes me proud to be a man knowing theres people like you out there!
(Pastabator earned his brown wings with your girlfriend on, Mon 27 Jul 2009, 17:15, closed)

Never
do a sexy little dance after sex! Just dont! Clicks!
(Hotty, Mon 27 Jul 2009, 17:19, closed)

ACE!!!!!!
Needed a good proper belly laugh, thanks!
(stonethecrows is badder than a bad thing on, Mon 27 Jul 2009, 17:24, closed)

Click!
Got quite a chuckle from this - though rather disturbingly, I know someone from Chesterfield who has been in a relationship with someone named Liz, so now I have some really bad mental images...
(Pope Jamiroquai III, Mon 27 Jul 2009, 21:57, closed)