And finally, part three of Darwin Award-esque behaviour
I'm only doing two recollections this time, both happening in the summer of 2006. Which was a good summer for me, as I started going out with the nympho girlfriend as mentioned in part 2. I also started to learn to drive, which, combined with the aforementioned traits of clumsiness and absentmindedness from part one, nearly proved lethal for me during this summer.

The two most standout moments for me in terms of sheer stupidity were both with my friends, A and C from the English Bobsleigh Team of part one, as well as a third friend, N. A had learnt to drive a few years ago, and as such, was determined to mentor me. I broke that determination after five minutes. So begins the first story, which, funnily enough, doesn't involve me trying to remove myself from the gene pool, but instead, A trying to remove himself.

We've all been learner drivers at one point. Some of us still are. So I'm going to assume that you all know the feeling of being a learner, of the confusion of all of the hundreds of things to do at first whilst driving that soon become second nature. About three weeks into my lessons, having a lesson a week or more if I could afford it, A decides that he is going to try and teach me to reverse. Something I'd never done before, given that I'd had four lessons. I'd tried to tell A that I would rather not crash his car and suchlike but he was insistent, so in the end, I agreed.

Imagine, if you will, the scene set out before you. A's house has a driveway off to the side of the house. In between the house and the driveway is a small tree, which sits about a metre or two away from the road. Me, A and N are there. I'm sat in the drivers seat, A and N are by the tree, both watching. A's mums car is at the far end of the drive.

I put the car in reverse. I let the clutch up to what I normally know as the biting point in the car that I learn in. However, A's car has a much, much lower biting point, whereas the car I've learnt in has a biting point that is fairly high. This causes the car to kick into action when I'm least suspecting it, which causes me to slam my foot on what I mistakenly thought were the brakes, but was the accelerator, so that the car jerks backwards and starts to move backwards faster than I wanted. A lot faster.

At this point, A decides that he is in fact Superman. A leaps in between his car and his mums car and attempts to hold it back by himself. I am by now whimpering and trying not to drop a brick in my pants as I stall the car. The car still has momentum and slides back, pinning A in between his car and his mums car. N is laughing himself silly, and eventually agrees to drive A's car forward so A can escape, because I don't trust myself to drive forward. I refuse to go near the car unless I'm sat in a passenger seat from this point on.

Fast forward a week or two. This time, I'm not driving A's car, A is. N is sat in the front seat, and me and C are in the back. A's car has been having problems getting started, so me and C hop out, and attempt to push it to get it rolling and thus getting started. That is the plan. We push and push, and get it moving, whilst A gets the engine going. A trundles down the road a bit, with me and C jogging behind, and me and C decide to be flash bastards, and run alongside the car, open the rear doors and jump in whilst the car is going along the road.

Can you see where this is heading yet?

Me and C catch up to the car, open the doors, and prepare to jump in. A brakes suddenly just as we spring off. We're unable to control our jumps, as we've suddenly encountered resistance, in the form of the open car doors deciding to take revenge on us. C bounces off his car door hard, and lands on the road, staring at the rear left tire, which has thankfully stopped about half a foot away from in front of his face. Meanwhile, I'm hanging off my car door, having almost ripped it clean off its hinges.

Turns out A had guessed correctly what we were going to do, and instead of letting us be flash gits, had decided to take us out in the only way he knew how. Luckily we only suffered superficial scrapes and bruises, but if A had carried on backwards, C would have been killed.

Thats all I'm willing to share now, as the rest of my near-death or sheer stupidity experiences aren't as funny as what I've posted.

And apologies for length, but people seem to like multiple times.
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Sat 14 Feb 2009, 21:07, Reply)