So, when i was a kangaroo back australia, born to a one legged boxing kangaroo mother
with no legs and an astronaut father with wandering cock syndrome who was never home, i used to look up at the moon wondering if my father was up there, somewhere and so, late one night i decided to look for him in earnest.

now, as you're probably quite well aware the moon is quite far away, about a trillion miles, and the diffracting effect of the atmosphere makes it look round, when of course it is actually triangular.

but anyway i digress, in order to get to the moon some sort of propulsion device was needed, i spent two hundred years grinding up children so i could feed them to my Orc* workers, who being dedicated but slightly thick beasts, built me some kind of wooden staircase, but not just any staircase, they said, a revolving staircase on a track circum navigating the planet which, when completed, would reach the moon and then move with it as it orbited the planet. it was fool proof.

as it turns out they cocked the whole thing up, and the stairway missed the moon by quite a long way, ending up in heaven. i climbed it anyway, with my bowed kangaroo leggies, excited as anything, only to find myself confronted by the purly gates, jolly old st nick was standing in on the desk for the day and i sat on his knee and he gave me a present then told me i had to be dead to be in heaven, and in fact was so already, for just stepping on planet heaven kills all mortal men. i tried to argue with him saying how half kangaroo i was but he merely stroked his beard and hypnotised me.

he gave me a second chance though, even made me fully human, and i parachuted down to earth using an inflatable piano** and then wrote a song about it and then santa came to visit me and we became lovers. however, i never found my father, if you're reading this dad, you're a fucking liar, santa is real.

it's all true.

* sorry Orc is indeed not spelled with a k
** does not work with non inflatable pianos
( Mortal Wombatteries not included - Awesome Awesome Awesome, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 14:27, 3 replies)

I think you need to ease up on the shrooms there matey
;)
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 6:24, closed)

Yeah
It's spelt Orc, innit? Honestly, some people.

I wonder if an inflatable Piano would actually work.
It'd lead to a load of bad punning about a pianist pump being used to make things bigger, though...
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 10:43, closed)

It's a contender!
a Contender for the EffinDoubt Award for Surrealism....

..I swear some of you are actually setting out to WIN it now....
(EffinDoubt is breaking glass on, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 9:05, closed)