No sharp objects, or naked flames, or anything really
My dad has for years been on a one-man crusade to remove himself from the gene pool - flipping Sierra Cosworth's at 90 on the motorway ('Dad's had a bit of a prang in the car' says Mum - cue me walking outside to see a Cosworth sans passenger compartment on the drive - how the fuck he drove it home after I will never know).

My favourite came after the big storm of 87 in the UK. We lived down in Surrey which suffered the full force of the storm. In our back garden was a Eucalyptus tree - don't ask me why, we lived in Surrey for fucks sake, not New South Wales.

Anyway, during the night of the storm, the power of nature was brought to my attention as said tree was ripped out of the ground and thrown rather violently at my bedroom - thankfully Eucalyptus trees are very springy and it bounced off the house and landed in the garden.

Fast forward one week - Dad decides to get rid of the tree himself - with a chainsaw... you can imagine the scene, me and my mum watching him from the lounge, me with 999 ready on speed dial and she with the life insurance policy clutched in her hand.

Cue amazement as he doesn't cut his own head, limbs, etc off and neatly slices the 60ft tree and accompanying branches into easily moveable pieces. Which he then proceeded to put into the skip hired for this purpose.

Trouble is there were too many bits to fit into the skip. Enter stage left - dad having the idea that a skip must be like a bin, when its full you push down on the stuff in it and put more in. But how to do this? Of course, climb into the skip and start pushing stuff by hand...not working you say? Well jump on it of course.

Now as I said, Eucalyptus trees are springy, VERY springy, even when cut up into small pieces. Imagine the fun we had as my dad gave one ruddy great leap from the edge of the skip onto the pile of highly-sprung branches, only to be bounced straight back out again, over the edge of the skip to land on the concrete driveway. Luckily he only broke an arm, but I always wondered if he broke his head as well.

And don't even get me started on the time he decided to clear the long grass at the top of our hilly previous garden with a can of petrol. I can still see my grandad pissing himself laughing as my dad rolls down the garden smoking and sans eyebrows.

Its amazing he lasted long enough to have me.
(clockworkkillbot, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 15:45, 1 reply)

More please!
and a click too.
(Brumdee, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 17:36, closed)