Chuffed To Bits
My dad (who worked on the railways) got a call from the next train station up the West Coast Main Line from him. A train driver had been relieved from his duties as he said he'd hit a man walking on the lines about three miles from where my dad worked. The West Coast Main Line is pretty fast there so the chances of a slight injury were minimal.

My dad grabbed a few large plazzy bags, jumped into his car and put his high visibility vest on and patrolled up the line where the shocked driver had reported the accident. Sure enough, bit by bit, remains of this hapless trespasser came in to view on the ballast of the track and in the bushes. A finger here and an arm there. 'Chuffed to bits', you could say...

Dad radioed the county police who turned up a bit later to help with the collection of body parts. After a good scrape of the surroundings they peered into their bags and after a few shakes found that everything but the head had been found. They looked around but to no avail.

"Here it is, Sarge!" shouted one of the bobbies under the road bridge. They walked over and sure enough there was the blood and brain splashed head of the victim lodged between the rail and the ballast. My dad tried to pick it up by the hair but with the mess it only slid through his rubber gloves ("giving a bit of a squeak"). The head wasn't for budging.

"Try and find a stick so we can lever it out", said the Sergeant and a few minutes later a young constable was gently trying to prise the head away from the track.

[sound effect] SPRIDDOINNNNNGGGG!!! it went as it flew away and rolled over the Sergeant's boots. Sergeant needed a quick sit down while the rest of them poured the guy out of about four bags onto a big polythene mat. They scratched their heads while looking at a pyramid of still warm body parts with a head neatly plonked on top of it looking as if he was about to sing..

'Who was it?', 'Did he not hear the train coming?', 'Did anyone see it from the road bridge?', 'What are we having for tea?'. The questions kept coming.

They noticed an old bloke at the top of the slope on the road bridge walking his dog and trying to see what was happening. "Are you okay lads?", he shouted down to them.

"As a matter of fact, we're not. Have you seen anyone walking on the tracks here or anything strange today?", the ashen faced Sergeant shouted. The oldish lad shouted back with his best Lancashire accent, "I've seen a chap over t'past few days looking like he had a gun walking over the tracks probably trying to hunt rabbits or summat".

"Can you come down here a minute?". Of course good as gold, the chap clambers down the bank with his dog and approaches the coppers who move aside from the pile of dead bloke with his head on top.

My dad says, "IS THAT HIM?"


Ha ha ha! Nice one dad. It would've been better if the old boy had replied with "Er... No, he was a bit taller than that".
(Stereo Vaccine, Tue 4 Mar 2008, 19:47, 6 replies)

?
so was it him or not?
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Wed 5 Mar 2008, 0:53, closed)

I'm laughing
I'm a horrible person.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Wed 5 Mar 2008, 1:12, closed)

Ha!
Beautifully written and kudos to your dad!
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Wed 5 Mar 2008, 2:05, closed)

Excellent
Top story, well told! Good show.
(I grew it myself, Wed 5 Mar 2008, 2:48, closed)

Nice
A bit of black humour from a gruesome situation. I like it!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 5 Mar 2008, 10:06, closed)

SPRIDDOINNNNNGGGG!

sweet.
(i anglepoise, Wed 5 Mar 2008, 10:28, closed)