pfff
i don't watch porn because i find it to be quite silly
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 19:44, 1 reply)

"But the women are naked..." © Tony, Men Behaving Badly.

I have to agree. Unless I'm needing a little, um, visual encouragement, to help me along. Not that I need it, I hasten to add. I once went for a wank-in-a-cup sperm test - far easier, quicker and less intrusive to test the male when you're having trouble inseminating the missus. The only, um, "extraction room" was occupied (and guarded by a lovely but rather strict nurse, coyly grinning at the cheesy 1970s porn music escaping through the door.)

So I found myself a lockable solo bathroom and went to work. On balance, carrying a copy of "Bay Area Parent" may have left a less than sterling impression with those who knew what I was doing. 5 minutes later and a warm cupful in a paper bag, I was ready to leave.

But wait. Why am I feeling a little unhappy? My medical insurance was quite expensive at the time, and I'd been looking forward to my time in the "special" room, where I'd imagined a little hatch would open, and into which I would insert myself. A few minutes of tugging and there would be a little Vietnamese lady, sperm at the corner of her mouth, saying "fang you - results in free days", before spitting in a cup and closing the hatch.

The truth was far more mundane. I jerked into a cup, pants round my ankles, inappropriate reading matter on the cistern. Hardly worth leaving home for.

Length. Just a few minutes, and still there were two off-putting rattles of the door handle.
(Large Hardon Collider Bah Bloody Humbug, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 20:05, closed)

still
at least you got to have a legitimate wank
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 25 Sep 2010, 15:28, closed)

Aren't they all legitimate?

Even the crafty ones on the old Bedford to Bletchley train (closed carriages and that oh-so-sexy rocking of the train...)
(Large Hardon Collider Bah Bloody Humbug, Tue 28 Sep 2010, 8:19, closed)