The Good Sex Life
Jerry entered the bedroom. Laying under his bed sheets was Barbara.
"What on earth are you doing here?" said Jerry.
"Oh, don't pretend you're shocked to see me," replied Barbara.
"Where is Margot?" panicked Jerry.
"I think Tom is planting his shovel into to her compost bin."
"Err... What exactly does that mean?"
"Come here you starched-stiff collar twat and plough my garden."
"You mean make love?"
"No, I mean go around to my house and pull the weeds out then turn over the soil."
"I think Tom is--"
"Forget Tom, he hasn't mown the lawn in ages if you catch my drift."
"Alright, I shall proceed."
Jerry removes his clothes, apart from his briefs and shoes, and climbed into bed.
"Place your hand on my deep dark secret."
Jerry hesitated for a moment.
"Go on, it's okay," added Barbara.
Jerry, reluctant, patted her on the fanny.
"Oh, mother," said Jerry.
( $$ ✅, Mon 11 May 2015, 13:37, 7 replies)

Clicked for
"patted her on the fanny"
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Mon 11 May 2015, 14:48, closed)

Her fanny wouldn't be dark though
it would be blonde and wispy

...

not that I've really thought about it all that much or anything
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 11 May 2015, 15:05, closed)

I went to the same school as Felicity Kendall's husband, Sir Tom Stoppard.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 11 May 2015, 19:02, closed)

My uncle rebuilt Penelope Keith's husband's motorbikes.

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 12 May 2015, 11:41, closed)

see, this is more like it

(Good evening Good evening, Tue 12 May 2015, 12:05, closed)

This lacks the raw eroticism of your previous efforts.
Still, Barbara Good and Margot Leadbetter...
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 11 May 2015, 18:55, closed)