Sign ‘O’ the Desperate Times
There I was 5pm yesterday...putting together a post...it starts to get a bit 'lengthy' (fnarr) and it's time to leave work. 'Ah well' I think to myself. I'll finish it off and post it tomorrow…

So here I am this morning, having a quick scan through to make sure nobody has since posted something similar…and I discover that Peregrin has beaten me to it. Why didn’t I stay those extra couple of minutes? WHHHYYYY????

So now these are desperate times for ME. I spent about half a bloody hour on this yesterday. So I don’t care if you’ve all read ones just like it…you can all just read it again.

Here goes…

Sign ‘O’ the Desperate Times


In the 80’s, I was lucky enough to get a record deal with an established comapny. I had a kind of ‘purple-clad Jimi Hendrix / Phil Lynot’ look about me and milked it for all it was worth. I even had a couple of hits and, despite having a bit of a ‘samey’ sound, was soon considered quite the pop star. Result

As the 90’s approached, I came up with the ‘brilliant’ tactic of replacing words with numbers to ‘freshen the whole thing up. i.e. ‘I would die 4 U’ (geddit?...FOR YOU…sounds like a text message…genius).Got a few decent marketing scams under my belt and was generally minted. Get in there. You’d think that this story is a ‘win win’? Well, you’d be flipping wrong matey Jake.

The thing was…I always had a bit of a hang up about my height and lack of real talent. I wanted to get the message across to the world that I was something special (not in the ‘Special Olympics’ kind of way)…but an eccentric genius…better than all other recording artists and waaaay superior to you gaggle of plebby minions. That way….hopefully….eventually…some girls might like me.

So I decided to swap my already preposterous name for a symbol. (I know, I know, stop laughing! I soon realised that even by my ridiculous standards, that idea was pure desperate spacktwattery, and I ended up reverting to my previous stupid name).

Then the ‘accident’ happened. Now I don’t like to talk about it much but…well…..my penis kinda turned ‘inside-out’. Then the hole it created began to expand. It is a little-known medical fact that when this happens, your humanity, sanity and general awareness desert you completely…Paranoia takes over. Basically, you turn into a proper little purple cunt. As for your sense of humour…well it just totally spunks up the fucking wall. A poor gormless idiot.

God, you lot don’t know how hard it is, having flipping great wadges of cash but no friends, no personality, and no tadger….Constantly being suspected as being a mentalist who is gayer than a 9 pound note, and having to pay flunkies who normally wouldn’t come anywhere near me to scour the globe and internet looking for my image so I can either charge for it, or threaten legal action to have it removed. I’ve even dished out bollockings to my own fans!....despite the fact that there’s only about 3 of them left! (you know the kind of people…stuck in the 80’s ‘Wedding Singer’ sorts who choose me because Culture Club is a step too far)

So the next time U want to take the piss, hurtfully using your phenomenal expertise with photoshop 2 make me look like a right bell-end…..spare us a thought will U? It could B worse….U could be me.

Yours,

P. Rogers Nelson

Length? About 3’ 6” of purest cuntwad
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 16 Nov 2007, 8:41, Reply)