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This is a question Desperate Times

Stranded in a hotel in an African war zone with no internet access for two weeks, I was forced to resort to desperate measures. Possessing only my passport and the clothes I stood up in; and the warning "You can catch it shaking hands with a vicar out there" ringing in my ears, I had to draw my own porn in order to preserve my sanity.

Alas, it all came out looking like Coronation Street's Audrey Roberts, but, as they say, any port in a storm.

What have you done in times of great desperation?

(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 10:10)
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This question is now closed.

Masturbated
Furiously.

edit: and in times of great desperation that hasn't included an utter lack of sexual intercourse, I have been known to listen to NIN and Sick of it all whilst putting a serious dent in my whisky collection

/AM NOT AN EMO BLOG

double edit: Have also been in the employ of a temping agency when uber-desperate for money . . . result?

1 week working in a sewage farm, 2 days sweeping a warehouse and cleaning the toilets, and offered a bin round every single day even though I told them i couldn't make the meeting point at 4am

fucking temping agency, bunch of wankers the lot of em
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 11:28, 2 replies)
I was desperate
Once, I was really really desperate to prove the size of my ego, so I sued and threatened all the people who like me and supported me, making them take down my picture, turning me in to a long lasting joke for being a pompus twat.

Yours,
P.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 11:25, 2 replies)
A friend of mine <cough>
...sought refuge in a rolled up towel (warmed previously in the airing cupboard obviously) held under the lid of the toilet seat.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 11:25, 1 reply)
At the age of 21
Still awkward, gangly, ugly, extremely virginal and with 7 or 8 years worth of suppressed sexual frustration bottled up inside me, I plastered the entirety of the upstairs landing of my student house with Page 3 stunnas. Ceiling, walls, even a laminated carpet.

I called it the Boob Tube.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 11:19, 5 replies)
My teeth are dissolving!
Many years ago me and a couple of mates went on a camping trip in what can be comfortably described as the middle of fucking no where.

The plan was, instead of carrying food, we take fishing gear and a gun, and live of the land. After a couple of days of no food and freezing cold we ended up eating the one and only item of food we’d brought with us, a tin of Cremola Foam* . Basically it’s citric acid, sugar, flavouring and a bit of bicarb. If eaten makes you feel slightly unwell and produce the devils own farts.


*Powdered crystalline product that when added to water produced a vaguely fizzy drink.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 11:11, 4 replies)
i was/am
so extravagant with money that my dad used to pay my allowance weekly when i was at university. one month he was away and so paid all 4 weeks in one instalment on a fateful friday.

even way back in the dark ages, or 1997 as we called it then (fuck i'm old), £150 a week didn't really go very far in london. i woke up the next afternoon having spent all but about £30 of my entire month's allowance in the bar. the bank wouldn't extend my overdraft any further and i was already over the limit.

for the rest of the month i lived on slices of economy white bread sprinkled with herbs, salt and anything else i had left in my cupboards from the beginning of the year...

edit: i should point out that £150 a week wasn't hard times, i just had to watch how much clubbing/shopping i did. and if i fucked up i only had to wait a couple of days for more cash. it was only when i spent it all at the very beginning of the month that things got desperate!
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 11:10, 10 replies)
Kays catalogue, ca1983
Turn to the sunbed pages. The models were lying on the UV-glowing tables with their tits out.

I was fourteen.

I did what I had to.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 11:08, 1 reply)
I'm sure I'm not alone
Fourteen years old and still no opportunity to get in a girl's pants, I fashioned a vagina using my inventiveness, a tall glass and some cold baked beans. Then I had sexual intercourse with the baked beans.

I haven't eaten them since that time. The smell just... well, it brings back memories. Oddly enough, I feel a frisson of wrongness each time I see the name Heinz.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 11:05, 14 replies)
Remember kids, don't try this at home!
When I was 15 my class went on a 4 night camping excursion to the Flinders Ranges (about 500 km from home in the outback) to study geological formations. Being resourceful, the "hip" kids knew that there would be no chance of scoring marijuana there so we planned to take our own supply. After a dozen of us put in some money we bought a 1/2 ounce 2 days before we left and packed it in a sleeping bag.
During the night some bastards broke into the school and stole most of the camping equipment, including our special sleeping bag.
It was decided the night before we left that drugs would be required so we had the brilliant idea of all raiding the bathroom cabinets at home and getting anything remotely drug like.

The first night away, all the tablets, capsules and powders were placed in a bowl and crushed up. We divided it between the 10 of us and snorted the whole lot.

I remember lots of vomit and odd dreams, then we were on the bus home. One kid was bitten by a snake (non-venomous) but ignored the pustulent ulcer on her leg. She was hospitalised for 3 weeks and nearly lost her leg.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 11:04, 5 replies)
Out in Russia
and stuck out near St Petersberg i got off at the wrong stop from my night train and had to find my way to the rest of the party in said city, managed to find a dodgy taxi driver with an eyepatch and a cracked windscreen who charged half as much as the others and drove for a couple of hours like a madman in what seemed like a mad max film while i was trying to be reunited with my luggage and my comfy hotel. At one point we stopped at the taxi drivers house and got to meet his family which was great sitting at a table with three generations of family staring at me not speaking English or i Russian. I was desperate to get out of there as i had a paranoid feeling my throat would be cut and money taken, we managed to play a game of charades to explain my plight and had a few vodkas with taxi driver or snake plisken as i had called him. Snake then took me to all the little bars in the village while he explained my plight to the locals and they had a good laugh, finaly got to st Petersberg very drunk and moving the steering wheel as snake was so pissed he was laughing at oncoming trucks.

Moral of Story no matter how desperate never pay for the cheapest taxi.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 11:01, 2 replies)
I can safely say I've never made my own porn lol
You bunch of fecking freaks, this QOTW is hysterical :D

Drawing your own porn? It sounds like wanking off to Jessica Rabbit. It's just not normal.

Anyhows, suppose I'd better post something to do with the QOTW...umm...I got a Desperate Dan T-Shirt, and because I got a beer gut and a normally unshaven chin people sing "Who ate all the cowpies" to me when I wear it.

Tis like making your own porn-flickbook, then wanking off to it...just not right at all lol.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 10:57, 5 replies)
Back in the days when I had no internet,
I was desperate for some kind of porn, any kind almost. What's the easiest way to see tits these days without actually buying porn? Buying "The Sun" newspaper instead.

I would be so fucked off if I finally got home to view said paper and there was no page 3! Bastards! *rummages through paper for some other traces of skin*

I stashed a few good pics away for emergency purposes, but newspapers always look shit don't they?

Oh to have had the guts to actually buy real porn...
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 10:56, Reply)
Not Desperation Exactly
More like relief - though I was gagging for a pint.

A few years ago I landed an uber-high-paying contract. Two weeks on a secure site doing emergency server rebuilds. I was working 14 hours on, 10 off for two weeks and eating,sleeping and shitting on site. As such, there was no chance to grab a quick beer as all I wanted to do at the end of a shift was hit the sack.

Then, after two weeks, we'd finished. Piled into cars and headed for the nearest pub.

I tell you, that first pint was like an angel pissing on my tonsils.

Cheers
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 10:55, 3 replies)
Coventry circa 1992
We had this crappy canabis plant that lived on our windowsill. It stayed there all summer until it finally came to one weekend when we couldn't get any ganja for love nor money. We ripped its meagre leaves from the stem and dried them out under the grill *laughs*

We might as well have smoked the plant pot for all the joy it gave us.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 10:55, 2 replies)
I had some futurama episodes on disk
So I took a screen grab of a bikini clad leena, and proceeded to digitally remove the bikini.

mmm, purple pubes......
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 10:49, 6 replies)
Robin the Hood
In days of olde i used to be a waiter in a posh resturant in the north. The manager was a drunk...in fact everyone was either a drunk or a nob.
Shortly before christmas a football team came in for a birthday party, Blackburn Rovers I think...anyway they had a sort of prize giving thing but left all the gifts, books, dvd's and cd's etc behind the counter and never came to pick them up.
You must understand I was very poor at this time and had recently started courting, i was under great pressure to impress.
Needless to say everyone got good presents that christmas.
Like Loxley but with an apron and a corkscrew!
Length...round the back, cross over, back round the front and tie off with a bow.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 10:47, Reply)
In need of booze
late at night with all offies shut, I had to resort to the lone bottle of Martini as that was all we had in the house. Mixed with lemonade, you need a hell of a lot to get you drunk as it's weaker than my piss after a heavy night. My bladder didn't thank me.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 10:45, Reply)
Home made pron
It was sometime in my final year at school. I fancied the pants of the local femme fatal in my class, but she wasn't "a go-er". So I found the latest class photo, cut out her head from the photo and glued it over some suspender clad lady advertising love eggs from whatever national newspaper my dad was buying at the time. Coarse, crude it was; Photoshop it was not. Lasted me weeks though.

Length? I was about 15 I could scratch my chin with it.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 10:43, 3 replies)
does recording channel 5s late night tv when i was 14 count?
since the only scenes of interest were only ever a couple of minutes long i was constantly stopping to rewind the tape and start again

i suffered from chronic wrist ache a lot from trying to finish before the scene ended
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 10:41, 2 replies)
How I almost became a smoker
I'm not ordinarily the kind of person who gets particularly antsy about anything; never having been (to my recollection) particularly desperate for anything - I'm far too lazy to get worked up - I'll probably be fairly quiet for this QOTW.

But there's one exception.

One night when in my teens, I dreamt that I was a smoker. I am not, and never have been. But for about a fortnight afterwards, it took every ounce of moral strength I had not to run to the shop to buy and then chain smoke 20 B&H. I was completely, mind-spazzingly, desperate for a fag.

Apologies for lack of wit - more funny peculiar than funny ha-ha.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 10:39, 5 replies)
Hotel porn desperation
Here we go my loobies - the 12-inch version of the QOTW question

Stranded in a hotel in an African war zone with no internet access and no pay TV for the best part of two weeks, I was forced to resort to desperate measures of the kind that no sane man should stoop.

After a set of circumstances too bizarre to enter into on these pages, I found myself in a Brazzaville hotel with nobody but heavily-armed goons for company, and no planes anywhere until the following Friday.

Possessing only my passport and the clothes I stood up in; and the warning of my boss still ringing in my ears ("You can catch it shaking hands with a vicar out there") I had to draw my own porn in order to preserve my sanity.

Alas, it all came out looking like Coronation Street's Audrey Roberts, only with evil, gimlet eyes, breasts the size of cantaloupes and a nadger that looked like a small dog nestling in her lap. But - as they say - any port in a storm, and eye-bleach was in short supply.

Petrified that the hotel cleaners would discover my heavy-breasted sketches and hand me over to the local militia for a good, hard mocking, I would rip up each and every page on a daily basis and flush my work down the toilet.

Audrey Roberts, eh? Who'd have thunk it.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 10:38, 3 replies)
Ran out of coasters
Luckily there was a free music CD in the Mail on Sunday, so we had to use that.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 10:31, 4 replies)
I Bought A Prince Record
.
Just for the cover as he looks exactly like a cunt.

Cheers



OK - that was the last Prince crack for a while. Don't want this QOTW shut down as well - it looks promising
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 10:28, 1 reply)
At school
They used to have some kind of medical encyclopaedia in the reference section. Every twelve-year-old knew exactly which page of which volume had the photo of the nekked lady. And - surprisingly - everyone was deeply honourable: noone ripped out the page in question; noone even tried to steal the volume or remove it from the library for a five-minute loan.

The book stayed intact for all to see for about two days - until the librarian figured it out. She was the one who removed the page. We had our suspicions about her.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 10:26, Reply)
Booze! Water! Nausea! Desperation!
I had gone out with my mate Nat. We'd got trolleyed and gone back to mine to carry on the evening, but eventually ran out of booze.

So we called a taxi and asked it to go to the 24hr asda and pick up some beer, cider and vodka.

It did, and we poured generous measures (half a pint, approx) of vodka into our glasses before realising we had no mixer. So we topped up our glasses with water.

Next time, I'll get a proper mixer.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 10:24, 5 replies)
I've mentioned it before but...
I once found a jazz mag in the woods and made paper underwear for the grls in the pictures so I could undress them at my leisure.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 10:22, 3 replies)
there was a time before broadband..
..when CompuServe national rate calls to Manchester were charged by the minute and use of the World Wide Web was restricted to an hour a month (as you had to use their own bulletin board system).

Me and a friend spent hours (this was over a 9600 baud modem on Win 3.11) downloading tiny GIFs of semi-naked ladies - note: not animated, just static images. If my mate wasn't there it'd be men, too.

I also remember this being an upgrade to "ASCII porn" on the Amiga, [which is an artform to be re-discovered..] especially as a lowly 14 year old storing them all on single sided single density floppies marked "English homework".

Well, it was a time when my only access to anything close to porn was the Littlewoods catalogue.

Length? 3.5"; or 5.25" if you were desperate enough to bother and plug in the serial cable to transfer it
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 10:22, Reply)
The 1986 Guinness Book of World Records
Sports section. I believe it was some girl diving.
Kept me going for quite a while.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 10:20, Reply)
Clothes catalogues....
the underwear section, needs must when you are 13!!!

First............... woo yay!!!!!!


Edit: Bugger....
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 10:13, Reply)
woo?
am i first?

Wow! I am!

Well, in really desperate times I have worked for Glitish Brass to put food on the table (see the ripped off QOTW) but possibly worst, in need of some ego bolstering, slept with a 57 odd year old psycho (I was 24) who proceded to bang on my windows and tell me I'd regret ending it.

I didn't.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 10:13, 3 replies)

This question is now closed.

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