Jesus' Diary
Not many people know about Jesus' diary, which was found in the caves of Qum'Ran in modern Palestine. Fortunately, I managed to get hold of some copies on Ebay. They make pretty interesting reading.

25th April: I know, I know - the Judeo-Chjristian calendar doesn't yet exist, but it's going to and you'd all better get used to it. Went down the church today for a quick pray and found loads of merchants in there. Well, I went ballistic and kicked 'em all out. That's going to stir it up at the Sanhedrin methinks.

27th April: Bloody Lazarus playing dead again. Every other day his relatives are coming to me and saying he's croaked. This time I whispered in his ear: "If you pull this again, I'll turn your gonads into loaves." Well, he was up like a flash and everyone started yelling "Miracle!" Yeah, blah blah blah ...

29th April - That bloody Judas! We were strolling around in Gethsemane and he wanders up for a quick kiss. "Not in public" I says ... but at that moment all these soldiers appear. The disciples start acting tough but I tell 'em to calm down. Now I'm down the nick.

30th April - Had a word with old Pontius Pilate. He's got OCD, that man. Always washing his bloody hands! Anyway, he wanted me to stop the preaching and I had to tell him no way. That's my bag, mate, I said. So they're gonna nail me up. Had a wafty crank while the guard wasn't looking.

1st May: Made me carry the cross myself, the lazy buggers. Got a bit lippy with 'em and they flogged me good, the swines. Anyhoo, they nailed to the cross and I 'died' and they thrust a bloody spear in me side just to make sure. That stung like a bastard, I'll tell ya.

2nd May - Rolled the stone away and was 'resurrected'. I was bloody starving, so I took a quick detour across the water and this bunch of fisherman started yelling "miracle!" Give me a break, I thought. I just want a cheese sarni. It's tough being the Lord, you know.
(frankspencer, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 16:16, Reply)