It's probably because we're quite hard to meet.
Kind, thoughtful guys are often less assertive and charming than guys who don't care so much. Sweeping generalisation, I know, but sadly there's truth in it. We don't want to be perceived the way assertive men are often presented in culture - as womanising, shallow, and arrogant. Unfortunately the nervous stammering, clumsy flirting, and ill-conceived jokes of the "lovely" man just aren't that attractive to most women. Neither is politeness if it isn't laced with a little bit of good-natured sauce, and because we're taught from a young age to be polite to women, we find it hard to step outside of that when we're trying to get someone to like us. Men who don't care have no problem with this, of course, so are much better at overcoming that mental hurdle.

Women, for their part, tend to be turned off by lack of confidence, but often don't realise that quiet men who are nervous about approaching them, or just choose to be polite, can be confident too. Confidence with men is often a serene, inner thing that doesn't manifest in assertive behaviour. Even if a guy is nervous when he approaches you or asks you out, that doesn't mean he's a virgin or scared of women - it just means he actually cares about your response. And just responding politely works wonders on most men to fix their nervousness and put them at ease after that initial opening, putting you in a position to get an informed conclusion about what they're really like. It doesn't automatically mean you're interested, it just means you're nice. If you find lack of confidence unattractive, try not to assume that it's the same thing as nerves or just "being a quiet person", because you might be overlooking some wonderful guys.

If more nice men were capable of being more assertive, and not feeling like wankers when we try, or if women were better at realising that masculinity and confidence aren't necessarily externalised attributes, we'd all have an easier time. And the arseholes wouldn't get as much sex, which is a bonus.

Each of our genders just needs to better understand how the other thinks, and not feel bad just for having that kind of mindset. Or think that the other gender is wrong for what they find attractive, when really the problems lie more in how they go about finding it.

That's my observation, anyway. Make of it what you will.

And thanks for your post, beckyjsbx - it's uplifting to see that you think masculinity and heartbreak aren't mutually exclusive.

Christ, I keep pontificating. I should stop. I'm really not trying to whine, just share my opinions, but people seem to think I come across that way, so sorry if the above sounds plaintive.

I hope nobody thinks I was stereotyping either. That's why I was careful to use words like "often" rather than "always".

P.S. I, for one, think a b3ta singles column is a really good idea, purely because I know a few couples actually have got together through b3ta. May as well see if there are any other potential couples out there too, eh? :)
(The Ghost of Stephen Foster, Tue 1 Jul 2008, 22:52, Reply)