I'm joining the ranks of the incompetent...
...I am not a DIY God. If anything, I'm more along the lines of the DIY Antichrist.

To give you a small sampling of things I've done, in a few short years.

- I've mixed cement badly with some of this new-fangled quick-mix crap, and then accidentally used it as hairgel by getting some on my hand, and then running my hand back through my hair and not realising I'd just palmed a load of cement into my hair. Ruined my brothers hairclippers getting it out. He still hasn't forgiven me.

- Fallen through the loft floor/bedroom ceiling not once, not twice but three times. First time was when we had first moved into our house, and we didn't know that we weren't supposed to stand on the lighter coloured floorboards because we'd go right through them. The fucker who sold us the house didn't tell us this. Second time was a case of me thinking "Ah it'll be safe to stand there whilst working on hammering in some new floorboa- FUCKSOCKS!" and falling through onto my parents newly-installed hanging cupboards in their bedroom and half-ripping them off the wall. They weren't too happy about that and bollocked me after laughing at me for a good half hour.

The third time was a good 'un. I hate spiders. Our loft had been known to have spiders in it that were a fair size. I was up there repairing the hole left by incident number two, by doing a quick job of nailing some sort of sheet of hardboard or something (I don't know, I'm not a carpenter!) over where I'd fallen through. Anyway, mid-hammering, I see a spider advancing to me. So, having Rammstein playing at a fairly loud volume, and feeling manly, I hit the twunt with my hammer. I must have bollocksed up the shot somehow though, as the little fucker was still alive, albeit very concussed and missing the use of a few legs, so it was a sort of demented sidling spider. Which then took it into its concussed brain to run away. But messed up the running part and took a run at me. So I, being less manly now, scoot quickly out of its way, and promptly fall through the floor/ceiling yet again. This leads to...

- My dad stepping into the DIY Antichrist shoes for a temporary time. Whilst repairing the damage I'd done in the loft, somehow the old man knocks a massive box of videos, and I mean seriously massive, like a good sixty or so videos in one box, out of the attic. Straight down the hole and slightly to the left, so this box is now on a collision course heading straight down the stairs. I happen to be walking up the stairs at the point, listening to my iPod, so I'm unable to hear his shout of "Watch out!". About two seconds later, I'm hit in the head by a fast-flying massive, heavy box, and then to compound matters, a few seconds later, I'm hit in the back by a drill as my dad climbs out of the attic and accidentally kicks the electric drill out, which decides to go for a little jaunt via my back.

- I've sanded off my fingerprints on my right hand at one point, got a little distracted by my dad talking to me, whilst I was using a sander, and then suddenly noticed that I was feeling something new on my right hand. The feeling of not having any skin left on my fingertips. That was fun.

- Fallen off the garage roof whilst about to use a nailgun to nail up some wood in between the two levels of the roof. My dad was up on the roof with me, I passed him the nailgun so he could show me how it worked (I was young at the time), he put the nailgun up to the wood, pulled the trigger and sneezed at the same time. My dad tends to sneeze really loudly, almost like he's just lopped a limb off with a chainsaw and is screaming about it. All of this was happening about 6 inches away from my ears, which were sensitive, and I wasn't expecting it, and I kind of leapt up in surprise and then fell off the garage roof as it was sloped. Picked up a few bruises only, thankfully, from landing on the fence and then grass.

- I've also done the no-ventilation-whilst-gluing before. This was in a time when I hadn't sniffed glue or any solvents in two years, or done any drugs for about the same period of time. I can remember nothing of this incident after beginning gluing. My housemate (for I was at uni at the time) found me lying by the front door, which was open, laughing like an absolute looney at randomers on the street. I've also gotten a buzz off Dettol Mould and Mildew Remover. Not sure how.

I'm no longer allowed to partake in DIY after incidents like these. I miss DIY. God only knows what I'm gonna be like when I get my own house of my own and don't live at uni/parents any more and have to survive on my own.
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Fri 4 Apr 2008, 0:13, 2 replies)

you might want to continue to avoid DIY....
if you want to continue living, that is.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Fri 4 Apr 2008, 4:53, closed)

Most likely a good idea to avoid it
If I move into my own house in a few years time and don't answer the QOTW for at least two months running, it'd be fair to assume I've tried to do something innocuous like fix a light and ended up diverting half of my areas powergrid supply through my body.

Ah well. =P
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Fri 4 Apr 2008, 12:48, closed)