Rogers Wife
There's only a tenuous link to DIY but it's a great story. Had me crying with laughter in the pub when I heard it.

Roger's a mate of mine. A thoroughly decent chap but he had been married to a total nutcase. The marriage eventually ends and nutcase moves to a village about 5 miles away and Roger settles down to a life of peace and quiet.

Ah, but life's not like that is it? Especially when your ex is a nutcase. So every time nutcase went down to the local pub and filled up on "Olde Knickerdropper" she'd stagger home and ring Roger up and hurl abuse at him. And so it was on this fateful night.

Roger had been down the local playing darts with me and the boys. He'd had a few and eventually went home and parked himself in front of the telly with DVD and the sound turned up to max. He cracked a can and was watching some movie with lots of bangs ad explosions. The phone rang. Roger turned down the sound and picked it up.

"YOUFUCKINGCUNT YOUFUCKINGRUINED MY LIFE YOUSHITBAGWANKER"

It was the nutcase.

"IHATEYOU AND YOURFUCKINGFAMILYANDYOURDOG"

The usual abuse.

"IMGOING TO COMEROUND YOURHOUSE AND THROWAFUCKINGBRICK THROUGHYOURWINDOWS YOU SLAGCUNTBALLSWANKSHIRFUCKER!!"

Roger said: "Ah. Drunk again. Do what you fucking want" and put the phone down. And unplugged it and went back to his movie.

Now at the time, Roger was doing some DIY (told you the link was tenuous) and had a pallet of bricks stacked on his lawn which he was using to repair a wall. So he's sitting watching his movie when:

"CRASH!!!"

A brick comes flying through the window and bounces off the wall next to his head. Roger leaps up and runs into the garden to find nutcase wobbling across his lawn, in high-heels, towards a waiting taxi. He collars her and pulls his mobile out and calls Plod. Plod turns up and arrests nutcase and Roger heads back indoors and goes to bed.

Next morning he rings up a mate, Mick, to come round and give him a price for fixing the window. Mick turns up, had a cuppa with Roger then goes outside to measure up. 2 minutes later Roger hears a strange high-pitched noise from the garden and looks out the window. Mick was lying on the lawn, bright-red and flailing around weakly.

"Fuck'n hell - he's having a heart attack." thinks Roger and then runs out to help him.

Mick is sitting up, wetting himself with laughter, and pointing at the wall.

Roger looks.

All around the window where the brick had come through were marks on the wall. And strewn around under the window were broken bricks. About 50 of them.

Nutcase, standing not more than 5 feet from the window, had thrown over 50 bricks before actually hitting the window.

"No wonder she was so crap at darts" muttered Roger.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sun 6 Apr 2008, 3:37, 4 replies)

well done
really cheered me up from the got-to-do-coursework-but-couldnt-be-arsed blues
(Procrastinate now! It's not opposite day!, Sun 6 Apr 2008, 13:10, closed)

Hahahaaa
Reminds me of a woman who goes to my local.... husband left her after discovering she was having it off with everything in trousers. My mate, ever the bright spark, has gone home with her several times. His face was a picture last week when this woman decided to begin hurling abuse at her poor fella, and the reason why he'd left her emerged..... she'd given him chlamydia. My mate splurted pint foam all over himself on that bombshell hehehe.....
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sun 6 Apr 2008, 22:17, closed)

The taxi driver...
hung around whilst she threw 50 bricks at the house?
(DjArcas, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 1:36, closed)

It's
the countryside. They do things differently there.
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 1:55, closed)